The Shoebox
by LeE-81881
Summary: Mac's past comes back to haunt her. How will Harm help?


THE SHOEBOX  
  
Author: LeE  
  
e-mail: lee_81881@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: R   
  
Classification: Angst/Romance [H/M] R  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or its characters. This is just for fun. If it weren't I wouldn't be working and going to school full time.... JAG belongs to DPB and CBS.   
  
Spoilers: Everything up to season seven  
  
Summary: Mac deals with an event from her past that no one from her present knows about. What will Harm do?  
  
Note: This is my first story ever. JAG has been my favorite show since   
it started in 1995. I've never ventured into fan fiction though, so please excuse my mistakes and all. This story is based on a personal event in my own life. It's taken me a while to deal with it (about 2 years) but it's been a healing process to write this story and I thank in advance all of you who will read it and let me share it with you. I'm nervous about posting this, but I have to do it sooner or later... I guess I'de like some feedback, but only if you want to.... Thanks to Nancy for proof reading the first parts of this story......   
  
  
  
MAC'S OFFICE  
MONDAY  
JAG HQ  
  
Mac sat in her office looking at the computer screen. If there were something about her past that would definitely haunt her forever it would be this. She had tried for years to put that particular memory behind her, but she just couldn't. This would always be a part of her, and she knew it, and it was definitely one of the things, she thought, made her make such bad choices when it came to men. Of course she wanted that to change. She knew she was in love with a certain Navy Commander who governed her dreams each night. She had known him for almost six years now, and even though her love for him grew each day, she knew it had all started back when they met for the first time: The Rose Garden. So she sat there, for what seemed like forever, remembering all the things she had gone through with Harm. All the situations, the conversations, the looks, the hugs, the words of encouragement.... hell, she had everything about him memorized to the smallest detail. But that day, she sat reading that damn e-mail that had brought memories of her past, again. Sure she had had past memories come back and hunt her before, and Harm found out about them, and he helped her through it all. Dalton, Chris, Farrow, her parents....It had all been part of her past that she had willed herself to get over. But this, this was something that hurt her so deep that she wasn't sure how she would handle it. 'Not again she thought. I can't do this again. Please tell me this isn't going to turn into another one of those nightmares.' And then she prayed out loud as she closed her eyes, "God please, I'll need you on this one, because no one's going to be able to help me through this one this time. Not even Harm."...  
  
The sound of a familiar voice broke through her obviously not so silent prayer and she suddenly realized someone had heard the last words she had murmured. She felt someone standing at the door, and instantly she knew whom it was. There's no way she could mistake him for someone else.  
  
"Mac?" he said in a cautious tone, knowing that he could scare her if he raised his voice.  
  
She jerked her head up, and looked at him, and her heart melted from what she saw in his eyes. He was concerned. She hated hiding things from him. She hated that she couldn't tell him, especially now that they were finally finding their way towards each other again after going through so much the past two years. He had been worried about her since the week before when one day, she had come to work in the weirdest mood he had ever seen her in.   
  
"Can I help you?", she said catching a quick glance at him and diverting her eyes almost instantly.   
  
"Well.." he said "First of all, you could start by telling me what 'Not even Harm' means" he said. "Why were you talking to yourself Mac?"  
When she didn't respond he asked again. "Mac, look at me." She looked at him, all of a sudden with a look that said 'what are you talking about'.   
  
Harm was confused. Just a minute ago he could've sworn she was fighting her emotions, as he knew she did often. What scared him was that he had seen her go into that withdrawing mode more often than he cared to remember. He knew that if she shut him out now it would be hell to get her to open up to him. So, he did nothing for a minute, trying to figure out his next move.   
She kept staring at him and fought to control her own emotions. She didn't want him to know. Hell, he could NEVER know. Other things about her past she could live with him knowing, but not this one. This one hurt too much. 'He'll never understand' she thought. 'What kind of woman will he think I am?' So much for her Marine training. This situation was going to slip out of her hands if she didn't do something fast, and she knew it.   
Still looking at her, he started walking towards her, and reached for one of her hands. When she pulled her hand away he backed off, figuring whatever was bothering her had to be something really important and he didn't want to risk a rejection from her.   
  
The sound of her phone ringing broke their visual connection and she reached for the handle. With a last glance at him she answered "Mackenzie". Nothing could have prepared her for what she heard following. She gasped and jumped out of her seat. Harm had started towards the door figuring he would give her privacy for the phone call. He turned around quickly when he heard her gasp and looked at her. All color drained from her face as she tried to get the words to come out.   
  
"Eric" she said, as tons of emotions ran through her face, and Harm just stared. He had never seen that look on her face before.   
'Eric?' he thought. Who the heck was Eric? She had never mentioned that name before. He had seen all her pictures. He knew Mac. He was sure she didn't know anyone by that name. At least not anyone who would leave her with that expression on her face. 'What's this all about' he thought.   
  
"I'm sorry, but that won't be possible" she said to the man on the phone. She could not believe that after 15 years she still felt the pain like it had been yesterday. She could still remember the physical pain of what had happened, as well as the emotional overload she had gone through trying to come to terms with what had happened.  
  
"I said no," she said, and she raised her voice louder, suddenly becoming angry, much to Harm's surprise. She finally yelled "NO" and she slammed the phone down and sat down at once.   
  
She knew what he would try to do, so quickly she said "Don't even think about it Harmon"... "There's nothing you can do, please leave me alone. I need some time alone now".   
"I HAVE been leaving you alone. What the hell do you think I've been doing the last week? Did you think I just suddenly didn't want to talk to you anymore? Well let me inform you that if that's what you think, you're wrong. Mac..Sarah.." she looked at him, tears in her eyes, "please tell me what's wrong. I want to help."   
  
"You'll never understand Harm. You just never will." She stood up, rushed by him practically running towards the bathroom, and left a stunned Harmon Rabb standing in her office.   
  
"Sir" asked Harriet as she thought about what she had just seen. "Is there something wrong with the Colonel?" Harm looked at her still shocked at her emotional display "Yes Harriet, and I don't know what it is....yet. But I'm sure as hell not going to just stand here and let her destroy herself. I'll figure it out. I'll help her somehow."   
  
"I know you will, Sir" Harriet said as she turned to walk away.   
  
  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN  
That evening  
1800  
  
What is happening to me? Why can't I just talk to Harm? What's the worse that can happen? "Oh God no" she said to herself. I can't tell him. He won't understand. He'll blame me just like Eric did. He won't believe me. He'll judge me and I just can't handle that right now. I mean, after all, I'm the one who almost married a man I didn't love just to get the attention of the man I really loved. What kind of person am I, that I can't recognize and accept I don't love someone until the night before my own wedding? God, and it took Harm almost dying for me to realize what I was doing.   
  
She stood from the couch and walked towards her bedroom. She hadn't eaten anything since lunch, but to her surprise, she wasn't hungry. She had lost her appetite. Looking at the closet door, she thought once more of what was hidden behind it. That white little shoebox that contained so many memories of one of the hardest things she had ever gone through. She thought about opening it. After such a long time, she finally thought about opening it and maybe burning everything inside it. However, she knew that if she did, she would burn a part of her heart, a part of her soul along with it. God, how much worse could this be? What will Eric do next? Will he come see me at work? "No..," she thought. Then everyone will know. Harm will find out. I've already disappointed him so much with my past. I can't do it again. I won't let it happen. With these thoughts, she tried to get some rest, tired from a whole week of restless nights. However, she knew that trying to sleep was useless, for sooner than later the nightmares would take control over her once again.  
  
  
TUESDAY  
JAG HQ  
0700 EST  
He had come in early to work that day, hoping that he could catch Mac when she came in and talk to her. He looked at her empty office and remembered the scene from the day before. He was worried about her. He had called her the night before to make sure she was fine, but had gotten no answer. He decided not to push her, so he waited. Ten minutes after he heard someone walk out from the elevators. He knew it was Mac. It was still very early and the bullpen was empty. She walked in and went straight to her office without noticing that Harm was already there. He usually came to work considerably later than she did, so she didn't think he'd be around. She walked into her office and sat on her chair looking outside through her window. She hadn't slept at all the night before, or any night since the day she had gotten that first e-mail. She turned to her desk to start working on some of the paperwork that had accumulated on her desk and smiled as she thought what Harm would say if he were there and saw her desk. She knew he would throw her some strange comment about how "organized" her desk was. She allowed herself to think about him for a second, and smiled. Almost instantly the smile disappeared and was replaced by a sad statement on her face. After a few minutes of writing down on reports she couldn't fight the sleep anymore and rested her head on her desk.  
"How could you do this to me" Eric yelled at her. "How could you lie that way? What kind of person are you? I considered you my friend, even after everything that happened, and this is how you pay me? I should've known all they said about you was true!!"   
"But Eric, you don't understand. I'm not lying to you. It's the truth. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but it's the truth. You have to believe me," she said desperately with tears running freely down her cheeks.   
"I know I didn't treat you the way you deserved, but this is low, even lower than you if that's possible."   
"Eric please, you have to believe me" she kept crying, "It was my fault. I didn't know until it was too late. But it was my fault. I should've felt it. I should have had some type of instinct, a gut feeling, something. But I never meant to hurt you. Please don't do this," she cried as she fell to the floor and broke down sobbing uncontrollably.   
"I never, never want to hear from you again. You hear me? NEVER!!! I hope you get what you deserve. Thanks for ruining my life!" he said as he walked past her leaving her to her misery.   
"Please, don't leave. It was my fault. It was my fault. I should've known. I should've..."  
"I should've known! It's my fault!! It was my fault. Please!!! It was my fault..." she cried.  
Harm was standing in his office thinking about what he would say to her when he heard her scream. Immediately he ran outside towards her office. He opened the door at once and went inside. He saw her lying on the floor crying and she yelled, "It was my fault, I should've known"... Harm was completely unprepared for the sight before him.   
"Mac, wake up. Mac!! It's just a nightmare, please wake up!" Harm said to her trying to control the pain he felt as he watched her obviously blaming herself for something he had no control over. He wished he could take away her pain. He wished he could change her past somehow. Heck, he wanted to murder this Eric guy; sure that he was the cause of her pain. He took her in his arms as he kneeled next to her in the floor and held her tightly. She was still sobbing and half-dreaming. Her face vivid proof of the night she had had.   
"Mac, please. Talk to me. Mac!" he said a little louder, as he stroked her hair gently.   
She opened her eyes and pushed herself away from him, not daring to look him in the face. His heart broke when he looked at her and saw the pain and apparently years of regret across her beautiful features. All of a sudden she was no longer the strong Marine she seemed to be in the outside. What he saw was a scared young girl who was hurting so badly she couldn't see straight.   
"Harm" she whispered, looking straight to his chest.   
"Mac, please. I want to help. Please let me help you." He told her.  
"You don't understand. There's nothing you can do. Please leave me be. I need to do this on my own. Please..." she said as her tears came back again and she failed to find the strength to stand on her own feet.   
Harm stood up, helped her up, and took her into his arms once more. She couldn't fight him. She knew she needed him with her. She knew she needed to be held and taken care of, but she knew she couldn't tell him.   
"Mac. I think you should go home and rest. What do you say I take you home and I'll go over and get you lunch. I'll be done with the Johnson case at around 1300 and then we can have lunch and talk. Please. Let me help you."  
"No!" she said louder than she had intended. "I'm sorry Harm. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry" she said as she started to cry again and ran from her office to the bathroom.   
"God, please help me help her. I love her so much. Please let my love be enough to help" Harm prayed as he waited for a sign, something that would let him know what he needed to do next.   
  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORTH OF UNION STATION  
That evening  
1900 EST  
Harm couldn't stop pacing the floor. He didn't know what to do. He was sure that Mac was in pain. His partner, his best friend, his.... everything. Unfortunately, things had not been going that well lately. Since his return from flying, she had been distancing herself from him. He wished he could make her understand. He thought she knew him, he thought she would be happy for him. The truth is that he thought he would be happy flying as well. However, the minute he saw her face and the tears falling from her beautiful chocolate eyes the day they said good bye, he knew in his heart that he was making a mistake. A mistake that he never thought would cost him the woman he loved. So it seemed. And then there was Australia and that damn ferry ride that scared the daylights out of him. "WHY" he screamed to an empty apartment as he sank into his couch, and before he could control himself he felt the warm tears running down his face. Those tears were for Mac, and he knew it. Nobody needed to tell him anymore. He didn't need Harriet, or Clay, or the Admiral, to tell him how much he loved Sarah Catherine Mackenzie, because he could feel it inside himself. He knew what he wanted. He wanted her. No one else. 'You're this way only with me' she had asked him. He answered the only way he thought he could. He answered 'Only with you'. How much clearer than that could he have been, he thought. This woman was his best friend. She was the one who knew him better than he knew himself. If anyone could understand him, if anyone could read his mind, it had to be her. So after she accepted that damn ring from Bugme, he thought she didn't feel the same way about him.   
Then came the rehearsal dinner night, and that night one nightmare ended and another one began. She finally had admitted that she didn't love Bugme. However, the one thing he expected her to do was the one thing she didn't. She ran away. He understood that she needed time. And while she was away, he took care of the Renee issue. He could swear he had to have been on medication the whole time he had been with Renee. He saw everything so clear now. 'How about back at the beginning' she told him. And just when he thought things would get better, just when he thought he might have a chance to redeem himself, another nightmare. But this time his hands were tied. This time he didn't know what he was facing. Could there be something worse written on her past than what he already knew? Could there be something more that held hostage a part of her heart? Could there be something more in her conscious that she couldn't live with?   
"Oh God.. Why does she have to suffer like this? It's not fair" he said aloud, speaking to the walls.   
If only he could do something, anything to take her pain away. If he could only take her in his arms and know that she would trust him with her heart. But he knew his Marine, and he knew that when she needed space she meant it.   
"His Marine" he said aloud with a smile on his face. He wondered how she would react if she ever heard him say that to her. He managed a smile as he thought of her. The smile was gone quickly as he remembered that she was suffering. Sarah Mackenzie never cried without a reason, and it had to be a very good one. Hell, he could count with his hand the times he'd seen her cry. Moreover, the truth is that her emotional display in front of him had him really worried.   
He reached for the phone and dialed a number without even looking...  
  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
GEORGETOWN  
Same time  
She looked at herself in the mirror. Every year when that day came around she looked at herself in the mirror and cried. She could see herself so different. She would think of what it would be like to have HER around. Every year, for 14 years, the same questions had haunted her. She looked at herself in the mirror again, and shifted a little putting a hand on her flat stomach. She was now 34-years-old and she knew her clock was ticking. She remembered the day little AJ was born, and of course she couldn't help but remember the promise. That promise that kept her sane sometimes. Now, there was something else other than Harm that was threatening her sanity. Eric. Why would he come after her, after all these years. She thought he had gotten married. Could he have gotten divorced? Would it be that he never got married at all? 'Why are you even thinking about this' she asked herself. She remembered her high school years. It's true that she hadn't had a good childhood. However, she remembered going to school every day and looking for him. He didn't know she existed, at the moment, but she couldn't keep from staring at him. She just liked him. Time went by, and she eventually married Chris out of desperation. But she never stopped thinking of him. He had such a good reputation. All the girls that had gone out with him talked wonders about him. She couldn't believe there could be such a guy on the face of this earth. A guy who'd be respectful, considerate, a gentleman. She couldn't help but think of Harm when she thought about Eric and what she'd thought he was. Eric was of good family. He was indeed a gentleman. "Was" being the important past tense word here. He had turned into a monster after what happened. She wondered if Harm was like that as well. That was part of the reason why she had accepted Mic's ring after he rejected her in Sydney. She was afraid that if she pushed him a little more she would loose him completely and he would turn his back on her like Eric had. She thought she was just another one on his list, just like she had been to Eric. Even though she had doubts and fears about Harm, every time she looked at him, she saw love in his eyes. She wasn't sure if she was imagining things, but she could swear that what she had been seeing in his eyes every day since her return from her TDY assignment was the same thing that was mirrored in her own eyes. "There we go again," she said to herself. "Stop it!! Harm doesn't love you. He doesn't love you" she screamed at herself, causing Jingo to come running to her side.   
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the phone. She reached for the handle, but when she saw the Caller ID she pulled away her hand. She knew she was dying to talk to him. There was nothing else she wanted more than to have his arms around her comforting her and telling her everything would be okay. But she couldn't do it. She knew he would want answers. He would want to know everything, and she didn't want to risk it. He would never know. NEVER!!  
She let the phone ring, the answering machine eventually went off, and she sat there in the darkness of her lonely apartment listening to the sweetest most wonderful voice she had ever heard. It was Harm's voice, and she could tell he was having trouble putting into words what he wanted to say. She just listened.  
"Hi Mac, its Harm. Listen, I'm worried about you...I...uh...well, I was just wondering how you were doing. I know that there's something bothering you and believe me I wish you could trust me enough to tell me. Anyway, Mac, please...don't shut me out. We were doing better at this friendship thing, and, well...uh, I lo..care about you a lot Mac. Please call me back. Please...."  
She sat there stunned. He had almost said it. She knew it. He had almost said he loved her. She could tell he was a little upset at the situation, but dismissed his concern as him feeling responsible for her, since he had caused her so much pain the years before. She thought that every thing Harm did for her he did out of pity, or responsibility. "He just loves you as a friend" she said to herself. "Don't read into it, please".   
She thought about calling him back. So, she waited until she felt a little more stable. She didn't want to breakdown crying over the phone. She was hungry, so she went to the fridge realizing there was nothing in there to eat. She got her purse and her keys and headed out the door to go get some groceries.   
WEDNESDAY  
JAG HQ  
0800 EST  
Harm had courted that morning, and she knew it. So she stood from her chair and walked towards the break room to get herself some coffee. Harm was standing right in front of the coffeepot, and even though he didn't turn around, he knew it was Mac who had just walked in. He knew the sound of her shoes when she walked, he could recognize her scent anywhere, he could feel when she was close, and she was. Mac just stood there for a while wondering what she would tell him. Harm turned around and she was taken aback by what she saw in his face. He looked tired, worn out, sad.   
"God Harm, what happened to you? Are you okay?" Mac said to him as she started walking towards him. "I thought you had court this morning".  
"Yeah, well. It was postponed until tomorrow afternoon," he said.  
"Well, it looks like you got lucky their sailor. You look like hell," she said looking at him intently.   
"Mac?" he whispered, "Why are you shutting me out? Why won't you talk to me?" he said looking at her.   
She had totally forgotten about everything else when she looked at him, her concern for him stronger than anything else she was feeling, and for a minute she stopped thinking about her problem. She looked at him with a wide-eyed statement when she heard his question and realized that she hadn't called him back the night before. God, the things this man could do to her. One look at him and she could forget the world!!! She quickly turned around and looked down. Tears welled up in her eyes as he turned her around and lifted her chin up with his fingertips.   
"What's wrong Mac? Please tell me. Why are you crying?" he asked in a pleading tone.  
"Harm, I don't want you involved in this. I can handle this on my own. It'll be over soon." She said looking straight at his chest, not his face.   
"How can you say that? Mac, you've been acting weird since last week, and yesterday you were crying in the floor in your office, having a nightmare at seven o'clock in the morning. Please don't tell me your handling this okay, because you're not."  
She didn't know what to say. She debated whether she should tell him or not. Eric was driving her crazy, and she knew it. He was determined to destroy her life for some reason. She thought Eric had reason to be angry with her, but she was scared. 'Suck it up, Marine' she said to herself as she looked up into Harm's eyes.  
"I'm fine Harm. Really, I am. This is just something I need to do on my own. Please, don't make it any harder" she said as her voice broke in the last few words.   
"Mac I'm not going to let you...."   
She quickly moved away from him as she heard someone coming towards them. It was the Admiral. They both saluted.  
"At ease" he said as he looked at them both.   
"Good morning, sir" Harm said and the Admiral looked at him with a 'yeah right' look.  
"And how are you, Colonel" the Admiral said moving to look at Mac.  
"Uh, fine sir, thank you" she said moving towards the door with her coffee.  
"If you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do, Sir."   
"Carry on" the Admiral said as she left the break room and then turned to look at Harm with a look that not even Harm could interpret.   
"Something wrong, Commander?" the Admiral asked.  
"Uh, no sir" he said.  
"Harm" the Admiral said lowering his voice.  
"Sir?" Harm said  
"I'm really hoping that whatever is wrong with the Colonel is not your fault. God knows you've messed up before and we all know what all that resulted in. I thought you were finally close again" the Admiral said  
"Sir, I can assure you I'm not responsible for the Colonel's mood. At least not as far as I know. Sir, she's having trouble with something or someone that she doesn't want to talk about, and I'm really worried about her Sir" he finished.  
"Yeah, I can see that, Harm. You look like hell!..  
Harm rolled his eyes and sighed. "I know Sir. Everyone's said the same thing this morning."  
"I take it you didn't get sleep worrying about Mac son?" the Admiral continued.  
"Yes sir" Harm said with a defeated look and a sigh.   
"Well..." the Admiral's words were interrupted by the sound of something breaking in the floor coming from the bullpen. They quickly walked outside and headed towards Mac's office.   
Mac was standing there looking at something inside of her office, her coffee mug broken in pieces and coffee spilled all over the floor. They suddenly realized that something inside her office was actually someone. A somewhat tall, blonde, blue-eyed man stood inside her office. Mac was frozen. She couldn't move.   
Harm saw her finally go into the office and close the door. The blinds were open so he kept staring, not caring that the whole bullpen had its eyes on him.   
INSIDE MAC'S OFFICE   
"What are you doing here?" Mac asked.  
"Well can't a friend visit another friend?" he said with a devilish grin on his face.  
"Eric, look. I don't want any trouble with you ok? This is where I work, and my reputation is important," she said trying not to raise her voice.   
"Well you sure as hell didn't care about my reputation back then. Why should I care about yours now?" he yelled at her as he stood up.   
Harm heard the screaming and walked closer to the office. But thought Mac would probably kick his six-foot from DC to China if he interrupted or better yet, tried to protect her. He could just hear the 'I'm a Marine' speech in his head.  
"That was 15 years ago," she said as she moved back away from him and closer to her desk.   
"Well it may be a long time for you, Ms. Mackenzie, but I sure as hell haven't forgotten any of it" he said still in a loud voice that only made Mac get worse.   
"Besides, what's this about you being a Marine? Please, come on. You really expect me to believe that you could ever become somebody. Maybe you can fool these people here, but I know who you really are. I wonder how many you men you slept with to get a nice office like this one" Eric said.   
Mac was trying hard to keep her tears at bay. When she heard his last statement, she felt a wave of anger rush through her as she promised herself that she wouldn't let him get away with anything else. Either he left, or she would demonstrate exactly WHY she was a Marine.   
Apparently he saw that determined look on her face and walked back towards the door, opened it and started on his way out. He turned around right before walking out and told her almost in a whisper, "I'll see you later, Sarah" sending chills of panic over her at the sound of her given name coming from him.  
She just stood there shocked. Harm was still outside her office and he heard Eric's whisper just as he was leaving. He could feel that his intentions weren't the best ones, and he promised himself silently that he wouldn't let that jerk near her ever again.   
THURSDAY  
JAG HQ  
The day had been uneventful. Everyone knew something had gone wrong the day before when that man, Eric, had paid a visit to Mac. She locked herself in her office the rest of the day. She did remember that Harm seemed a little under the weather, but she couldn't get herself to call him. She knew what he would ask. So, she did what she knew best. She hid from everyone, putting up those walls around her once again.   
Harm felt helpless. He didn't know what to do. 'How can I approach this situation?' 'What do I tell her?' "How do I get her to talk to me?' He figured that he would give her a few more days, and if she didn't do anything he would push her a little more to open up to him.   
Mac had already gone home for the day. The bullpen was quiet, as it was almost empty. But Harm remained in his office. He heard someone walk in. He stood from his office and saw a weird looking type of "delivery guy" with a big box in his hands.   
"Can I help you?" Harm said as he walked out of his office.   
"Yes, sir" the teenager said nervously, which didn't go unnoticed by Harm.  
"I have a delivery for a Col. Sarah Mackenzie" he said  
"Well she's gone home for the day, but I could get it and leave her in her office" he said with a heightened sense of curiosity.  
"Uh, I guess I could do that as long as I leave it in her office" the boy said.   
"Sure, this way" Harm said walking towards Mac's office.  
"Ok, I'll need you to sign here please"  
Harm signed the paper and the boy put the box in Mac's desk. The boy walked out and left while Harm just stood there wondering whom the package was from. It didn't have a card, or a name, so he figured it was someone he didn't know. Then it dawned on him. It could be from Eric. That boy was way too young to be a delivery boy and he was overly nervous he thought. Of course he didn't want to just open the box right there. That was disrespecting Mac's privacy. But he wanted to know what was in there. His head finally won over his curiosity and he turned to leave. He heard a sound of something falling as he looked back into the office. The boy put the box too close to the edge of the desk and it fell open on the floor. Harm stepped closer to look at it, and he was stunned by what he saw.   
"My God" he said to himself.  
A dozen dead roses where inside the box filled with live worms, ants, and other strange bugs. It smelled horrible, and there were some things he couldn't quite identify. He stepped close and he realized they were magazine pictures of babies. All sorts of newspaper clippings about babies, kids, motherhood, baby health and everything that a pregnant woman would look forward to reading in the newspaper every morning. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Then he saw the note, and as he read, he started to panic. Finally, the awful smell got the best of him and he walked away, determined to call Mac and make sure she was okay. "Exactly what you deserve Sarah Mackenzie. Just what you deserve" the note read. He stormed out of the building with the note still in his hands, determined to get to Mac as soon as possible. This smelled too much like Coaster or Palmer, and he didn't like it one bit. Right after he started driving he took his cell phone and dialed.   
MAC'S APARTMENT  
That Evening  
Mac sat with a blank look on her face staring at the closed shoebox she had retrieved from her closet a few days ago. She didn't know if she was ready to open it and look. She knew what was in there. It had been so long since the last time she had opened it. She didn't know if she could handle reliving those painful times again. All those years, since her mother had left her, she only dreamed that she could someday have a family of her own. Yes, her career was important, but she knew that deep inside the one thing she truly wanted was the love a good man, and a family. A big family. She wanted babies, and a big house, and a husband, and all the things that came along with motherhood. She wanted to be a wife. She wanted to prove to herself that she was not like her mother. She wanted to give her children what she never had, and believe it or not, that was more important to her than anything else, even her own career. That's why she didn't want Harm to know about this. She wanted him to be that good man who loved her. What was inside that shoebox was painful. It reminded her that her time was running out, that she would never get her wish. She thought she wasn't woman enough to be a good wife, and mother. She couldn't help the tears running down her face as she thought about what Harm would do if he ever found out about what she had done. She knew deep inside that it somewhat wasn't her fault. However, she always arrived at the same conclusion "I should've known." she said to herself aloud. What would Harm think? Would he back out of their deal? Would he think the same thing she did? Would he think she wasn't good enough to have a child? To be a mother? 'Why now?' she thought to herself. 'Why after all this years'.  
Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. The answering machine picked up. She knew it was Harm. But this time he sounded desperate. He practically yelled into the phone, calling her name. Suddenly she got up and answered the phone, remembering that he seemed really sick that day at work. Maybe he wasn't feeling well and he needed her. So, without thinking, she answered the phone and Harm heard at once the worry and concern on her voice.  
"Harm? Are you okay?" she said  
"Harm? Answer me!" she told him, concern quickly increasing.  
"MAC! Oh my God, Mac are you alright? Please tell me you're all right. I'm on my way. Don't you dare move from where you are right now. I'm almost there" he screamed at her.   
"Harm. Harm? Harm! What's wrong? Why are you yelling at me? Talk to me, sailor" she said almost pleading with him.  
"Please don't do anything Mac, please, please. Stay in your apartment please. I'm almost there. Please...." He said and she heard him choke on the last few words.   
Ten minutes after he was banging hard on her door, and she ran to the door to open it. There he was. His face full of emotions, and she couldn't decipher all of them, but the one thing she detected fast was fear. He was scared. He looked lost. He hesitated for a moment. He looked at her as if he was trying to convince himself that she was actually there in front of him. After a few seconds he realized he was just standing there and he ran to her and took her into his arms with an emotion she had never felt before, and hugged her so tight she could barely breathe.  
"Harm. Harm? I can't breathe," she whispered.   
"I'm sorry," he said as he started to let go of her.  
"Harm, what's wrong? Why are you so scared?" she asked in a soft voice.  
"Oh Mac. I thought I was going to loose you. When you didn't answer the phone, Oh God." his voice barely audible as he sat on the couch and put his head in between his hands. All he could think about was Coaster, and Palmer. What if she was being stalked again? What if Eric could get to her before he could get to her?   
She could see the tears in his eyes and hear the fear in his voice. Suddenly he snapped out of whatever emotional state he was in, jumped off the couch, hugged her again lifting her off the floor, and held her there for what seemed like hours.   
"Harm, you need to talk to me. Please tell me why you're so scared. What happened?" she asked softly.  
"Oh Mac, it was so horrible. I felt like a part of me had died when I read that note" he said.She pulled away from him to look into his eyes, "What note Harm?"   
He went and sat down on the couch again and sighed heavily.   
"A while ago, I was still at the office. I heard someone walking through the bullpen and I went outside to see who it was. It was a boy, probably 13 or 14 years old. He said he had a delivery for you. I told him you had already left, that I could sign it off and leave it in your office. He said it was ok, and I leaded him to your office and he put the package on your desk."  
"And?"  
"Well, I wanted to see what was inside it, but there was nothing outside that said who it was from. So I turned around to leave when I heard it fall from the desk. I guess the kid placed it too close to the edge. I turned around when I heard the noise. There were dead roses in the open box, and the floor was full of worms, ants, and other bugs. It smelled like hell."  
"Oh my God. Harm what did the note say?"  
"Well, there was something else in there too. There were pictures of babies, everywhere. There were newspaper clippings of everything having to do with pregnancy, motherhood, and stuff like that. There were baby pictures from magazines...and pictures and more pictures, and then.... Oh my God Mac, why is this happening to you? Please tell me why? What's wrong? Why did you drop your coffee today in the office when you saw that guy in there? Please...tell me...please..." he begged her to tell him as he handed her the note he had taken from his pocket. She read it and suddenly she realized why he had almost gone mad. God, he really cared about her. She couldn't believe he would be this worried about her. She had never seen him like this before.   
"Harm. Listen to me. This is Eric's writing. I don't know why he's coming after me after all these years, but you need to stay away from him. He could be really dangerous. I'll be fine. Please, just go home and try to get some rest."  
"WHAT? Are you crazy? You think I'm going to leave you alone after this? No way in hell NO. NO. NO. I'm staying with you and that's it" he snapped.  
"Harm, I don't think I need to remind you that I'm a Marine and I don't need to be protected like a defenseless bimbo that couldn't kill a bug for the life of her. So control your "hero complex" this time and go home" she continued on a softer tone trying not to hurt him more with her words than she already had. "I'll be fine. You need to rest. Please just get some rest. I assure you that Eric won't try anything tonight, or any night for that matter. He's just trying to mess with me," she said hoping that she could sound calm for his sake.   
"Mac...please don't make me leave. I don't want to leave you," he said  
"I said you need to go, NOW" she snapped and turned away from him, trying to suppress the tears she felt coming from seeing his concern for her.   
"Mac."  
"I said GO. You need to rest. I'll see you at work tomorrow. Thanks for the warning. I'll be careful, I promise. Now go before it gets late." She turned and entered her bedroom slamming the door.  
Knowing that he wouldn't get anything else out of her, he turned and headed towards the door. As soon as she heard the door close behind him, she sank to the floor letting tears flow freely now. 'Why was he so worried about her' 'Why did he care so much' Sure we've been best friends for years, and we've been through a lot together, but it is so strange to see him show this much emotion. I've been threatened before, and he never lost it like tonight. I wonder what's going on inside the Rabb mind. When she managed to calm herself down, she looked over at the couch where the shoebox was. She gasped, realizing how close it had been. Harm had sat right next to it. But since he was so preoccupied with the threat to her, he didn't realize the shoebox was right next to him. 'Thank God he didn't see it', she thought.   
Harm walked out of her apartment, but he was numb. Why was she like that with him now? What is it with her? Why won't she talk to me? 'Well, I'm sure as hell not going anywhere' he thought to himself. He climbed into his SUV determined to stay there, right in front of her apartment. He watched the window until he saw her lights go off half an hour later. He was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He knew he wouldn't sleep anyway if he went home, so he stayed, all night, right in front of Sarah Mackenzie's apartment, thinking of her, determined to watch over her.   
NEXT MORNING  
0600 EST  
He remained in front of her apartment, watching from his driver's seat. He noticed she had turned on the lights to her apartment, so he figured she was getting ready to go for her morning run. He started the car and drove, parking just around the corner so she wouldn't see him watching her. After she got in her car, he suddenly remembered that he had to go to work that day. He thought for a minute, and decided to go home so he could take a shower and change. He didn't know how he would make it through the day without any sleep. He had court this morning. However, not sleeping didn't seem like a sacrifice to him at all. Because he lost his sleep watching over his Marine, his stubborn jarhead. His Sarah. "My Sarah", he said to himself aloud, and a smile appeared on his tired face. So, he started driving and soon got home, showered, dressed and was heading out when he noticed his answering machine flashing. There were six messages, and he quickly pressed the button and listened. They were all from Mac. She said she was sorry for making him leave like that. At least that's what the first message said. After that, the messages got more desperate.  
"Harm, where are you? Please answer the phone!" he heard on message #5. On the sixth message, Harm noticed she was crying and he felt guilt run through him as he realized that she'd been crying that night, and she had called on him, and he hadn't been there fore her. Wait a minute, 'I was there, Ninja Girl', he thought. "I was there looking out for you, Sarah" he said to the empty apartment. "I was there," he said.   
A WEEK LATER  
JAG HQ  
The last week had passed and Mac was still getting unwanted gifts at the office, but she had told no one. She didn't think Eric was serious about physically coming after her, and she didn't think she would see him again. Harm had stayed away from her since he knew she needed her space to deal with things on her own. She hadn't mentioned his failure to answer her messages and he hadn't apologized to her not knowing how to explain his absence at his apartment so late at night.   
Mac, however, was worried about her partner. She could tell that he wasn't sleeping well, and she felt guilty because she had treated him badly when he went to see her that night at her apartment. What she didn't know was that although he was giving her the space she wanted, he wasn't very far away.   
Harm had stayed in his SUV, every night for the past week in front of Mac's apartment. He would go to work during the day, leave early and sleep until 11 PM, so Mac would already be in her apartment. Then he would drive to Georgetown and park in front of her apartment where he could see her window, and stay there the rest of the night. Technically, he was getting some sleep, four or 5 hours in the evening, and then he would watch over Mac, "his Sarah".   
"Good Morning, ma'am" said Harriet as Mac walked by her.  
"Morning, Harriet, have you seen Harm around this morning? I have some things to discus with him for the case later today" she said, hoping that Harriet wouldn't recognize the worry in her tone.   
"I saw him come in this morning, ma'am" Harriet said looking at her with a worried look. "Is everything ok ma'am...Mac? Harriet continued.  
"Uh, yes, of course Harriet. It's just that, well...uh..." she didn't know what to say.  
"Uh, ma'am. Mac...I know what you're trying to say. I've seen it too. He looks like hell. Do you have any idea why?" She stopped talking, as she suddenly understood by the look on Mac's face.   
Mac felt guilty and responsible because she knew that he had been worried about her. Sure he looked like hell, but it definitely wasn't because of lack of sleep. 'How come I've called you at night and you never answer your phone?' she said to herself. He's probably having fun with that new blonde, Caroline, that Sturgis had introduced him to. 'Of course, he's worried about me; I'm his best friend, nothing else'. If I'm not here to watch his six, who will? Of course he needs me, and he's worried because he feels responsible for me. I mean, yes he went to my apartment three nights ago, and yes he looked worried, but has he made an effort to contact me again? Nooooo....of course not. He didn't even have the decency of returning my calls in the morning after I left six messages for him that night. 'God, how can I be so stupid' she thought. God knows whom he's spending his nights with and here I am worrying about his well being. Well, he can get whomever it is that's keeping him warm at night to worry about him. Not me, not anymore.   
"Ma'am. Mac? Are you okay?" Harriet asked still standing in front of her.  
"Uh, yes Harriet. Sorry, got a little distracted there..." she said  
"Well, ma'am. I don't know exactly how things are between you two, but I'd say he's very worried about you. Maybe that's why he's been like that lately," Harriet said softly trying not to let anyone else hear her.   
Mac laughed sarcastically at Harriet's words. "Come on Harriet. You know Harm better than that. I'm not saying he's not a good friend, because he is. But let's face it. Whatever it is that has him looking like that is very likely to be about something that has nothing to do with me. You know... it probably has to do with women." She finished, realizing that she had probably said too much.  
"Ma'am? What do you mean by "women"?" Harriet opened her eyes wide... "Ohhhhh, I see. You think he doesn't see you as a woman. You think you're just his partner and friend and that's all." Harriet said, confident in her assessment.  
"Oh Harriet, what world have you been living in the past 5 years? I'm good 'ole Mac and I always will be" realizing the tone her voice had taken "Uh, not that I mind of course. I mean, Harm and I have always been friends, we still are, and that's it. It's just that I'm worried about him, and I'm trying to..." she was babbling and she knew it. Harriet gave her an amused look and turned on her heels and left.  
"Damn" she said under her breath. She looked towards Harm's office and started walking, determined to find out why he looked so horribly worn out. Once again, her concern for him won the battle between her heart and her head, and she forgot about everything that was happening to her.   
HARM'S OFFICE  
0900 EST  
JAG HQ  
"Enter" he called after hearing the soft knock on his door.  
"Harm?"   
He knew she was in his office, even before she entered. He had this sixth sense about her. 'I always know where you are' his own words ran through his mind as he remember for a minute all the times and memories they shared.   
"Hmmm" he murmured, not risking a glance at her knowing that she would be able to see right through him.   
"Harm, what's wrong?" she asked sitting down on a chair in front of him.  
"Uh, what do you mean?" he said innocently.  
"Harm, come on. You haven't been sleeping well have you?" He nodded. "Oh, ok I get it. I guess maybe someone's been keeping you awake all night?" she said trying to sound calm, but failed miserably.   
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. She was jealous. She thought he was spending his night with another woman. Oh my God. How much worse can this get. Just when he thought he might have his chance. Just when things were starting to look up for them. Only between them could things get worse than a damn soap opera...  
"As a matter of fact, yes. Someone has been keeping me awake lately. ME!" he said looking at her. He knew that if she found out why he wasn't sleeping she would kill him.   
"Very funny. Harm I'm serious. You look horrible" she said concern finally showing in her voice.   
"And I'm assuming you have been sleeping perfectly well lately, Colonel? Oh, wait, no. That's right, you women have something called make up right?" he said sarcastically.  
He knew that she wasn't sleeping well at all. The last week had been hell. She had gotten messages and packages at work from Eric. Every night the light to her apartment would come on three of four times as an indication that her insomnia was taking over. The last thing he wanted was to talk to her like this. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and make everything go away. 'You tried that already, remember?' and what did he get? He was thrown out of her apartment. So he figured that he could keep close watch over her, making sure she was safe, and whenever she was ready she would come and talk to him. As long as she was safe, he didn't care about what happened to him.   
"Harm, you don't have to feel bad about anything. Look, I know you're not sleeping at your apartment. I've called you every night and you never answer the phone. Actually I'm guessing you haven't been to your apartment lately, because I've left messages for you and you haven't answered them" she said squirming uncomfortably on the chair.   
Harm looked at her and said nothing. He didn't know how to get out of this one. He had been so concerned about keeping her safe that he hadn't thought about how he would cover his lack of sleep, or the fact that he wasn't at his apartment at night. Well, here goes nothing, he thought.   
"Well, Mac. For your information, I am not sleeping well because I have been taking care of a friend lately. I've been staying at HIS house in D.C. We're old friends and HE'S needed someone to stay with him for a while, so I volunteered" he said trying to sound convincing.   
"Right. Okay. Whatever you say. Anyway, I had better go. Don't want to take up much of your time" she said and stood up. When she was almost at the door, she heard him call her name "Sarah."  
"Yes" she said not turning around to look at him not willing to show him what the sound of her given name coming from him did to her.   
"I know that it's been a two weeks since whatever is going on started. I know that you don't want to talk about it. You have to believe me. I haven't pressed you to talk to me because the last time I did you almost physically removed me from your apartment. I can't handle that Mac. I can handle a crash, surgery, the Admiral, any type of physical pain I can get through. What I can't handle is knowing that no matter how much I want to I can't help you" his voice almost a whisper now "I can't stand it when I can't do anything for you. Can you understand that?"   
"Yes, I can. I guess I feel the same way about you. I'm sorry I talked to you like that just now. I had no right to pry into your personal life like that. I was just worried about you, that's all. Please promise me you'll try to get some sleep ok?"  
"Mac you have every right to know about my personal life, you're my best friend, don't you ever forget that. I promise I'll try to rest," he said  
"Good" she answered finally turning around and taking one last look at him she left his office.   
Harm just sat there. Thinking of what else he could do. He knew she hadn't believed his story about his sick friend. He had to tell her the truth, but he knew that if he did she would get furious with him. His mind drifted back to the notes and letters he had been receiving from Eric at his own office. Somehow Eric had found out that Mac and him were close and he was using it to his advantage.   
MAC'S APARTMENT  
That evening  
Mac sat in her couch once again, by herself. She seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. She was worried. She didn't believe Eric was capable of nothing more than stalking. It seemed that all he wanted to do was make her miserable, but he was no criminal. Her mind went back to her high school days again. Sure there had been many horrible things happening around her, but Eric gave her a reason to wake up in the morning. A high school crush. She laughed at herself aloud. But she knew there was more to it than that. There was more to Eric than just high school. There were memories of the short time they spent together after Chris went to jail. Sure, she felt a little guilty for doing it, but she wanted to so bad. She never thought her little adventure would cost her so much. Somehow she had been able to live with the guilt she felt for almost 15 years, but it never got any easier when that day came, every year, when she would look at herself in the mirror and see so much more than her reflection. She could see other things as well, and only once a year, she allowed herself to cry and grieve over her loss. How do women get over this? How can they ever go on with their lives? Am I ever going to stop feeling like this? 'Well, gee.. I don't know' she thought. 'Maybe if I had someone to come home to. Someone who valued me and loved me then maybe I could get over it.' "Yeah right, Mackenzie. Look at you. How could someone love you after everything you've done" she said to herself as tears again started falling. She took one last look at the shoebox that was still on top of the table. She reached for it, but decided against it. She figured soon it would all be over and she could hide it again and forget it, at least until next year.   
She cried herself to sleep once again. Two hours later she woke up sweating. Nightmare again. She could see her face. She could see what her life would be like right now if she would've done something right. She probably wouldn't be in the Marines. She probably wouldn't be a lawyer. Oh, but she would have the most precious gift anyone could ask for. She would have a piece of herself looking back at her every day. Oh, how she dreamed of the day she could wake up in a big house, a big bed, with a good man next to her who loved her and little angels running around the house. That had always been her dream. She had told Harm once about that. 'I don't think he believed me' she thought smiling to herself. And of course, the promise. Maybe it was important to him too. Maybe he too wanted the same things she wanted. But of course, he would never want them with me. He knows me so well, my past, my mistakes, my alcoholism, my father, hell, he would probably opt for celibacy rather than having a baby with me. He would never want to get himself into a relationship with a messed up Marine who's past just keeps coming back to haunt her, worse every time. 'I'll never be good enough for him. Just face it, Marine. He'll never go for me. Oh God, how could I be so stupid. And here I thought after his crash, and after his attempt at the Guadalcanal that maybe, just maybe he really wanted something more with me. Boy was I wrong. It only took one casual meeting and a few comments from a tall, long-legged blonde to distract him and he totally forgot I was even alive.'   
She thought she heard something out on the street. She listened for a minute, but was too into her own thinking to pay any attention to it.   
Outside on the street Harm had just parked in front of her apartment, and just sat there looking at her window. This was his fourth night on vigil, and as much as he loved watching over Mac, he couldn't wait for the weekend so he could sleep some more during the day. He thought that maybe he could go to the police with this problem. However, her really didn't believe Eric would actually attack Mac physically. It was clear from his letters that he wanted to get to her emotionally, but he was almost sure he wouldn't try anything stupid. He figured he'd stay at night, and if he noticed anything suspicious, then he would take action through the police or the Admiral. More than anything, he stayed every night for the sake of his own sanity. Feeling like he was protecting her made him feel like he mattered to her, even though she wouldn't speak to him. He thought about asking for some leave time, but that would raise too many questions, especially from Mac, and he couldn't bear lying to her anymore than he had to. He smiled as he remembers momentarily her face full of concern for him when she went to his office that morning. He knew how much it cost her to reveal her feelings, to allow herself to look vulnerable in front of him, and she had done just that, because she was worried about him. "God, Sarah, how could you ever doubt that I love you?" he said to an empty SUV, and he sighed, knowing he had a long night ahead of him. The sound of a barking dog brought him back from his own little world and he realized that he was drawing attention. He opened the door and chased the dog away, and then got back in and slammed the door, making more noise than he intended.   
It was this noise that Mac heard up in her apartment, but she didn't pay that much attention to it, so she went on with her crying-herself-to-sleep routine she had perfected in the last couple years, ever since Harm had left her to go back to flying.   
  
ONE WEEK LATER  
JAG HQ  
Harm was dead on his feet. It had been almost two weeks since he had started his routine of sleeping in his SUV and watching over Mac. However, lately he didn't just stay in his SUV. He would go up to her apartment door when he was sure she was asleep and just sit there all night. Then, he would leave early in the morning before the neighbors awoke. It had taken its toll on him physically and emotionally. It seemed to him that Mac was dealing with the situation better. Eric had made no more efforts of contacting her. He had definitely not been at her apartment. At least not at night. She hadn't had any more episodes of emotional eruptions at the office. All in all, she seemed like her normal Marine self. That's what everyone thought. 'Yeah, right Marine' he thought. He wasn't buying it. He knew she was putting on the performance of her life, and boy did she deserve an Oscar for it. It wasn't just Eric's "visit" that had affected her. There was something else. Something more that he could see in her eyes every time he looked at her. She couldn't look him straight in the eyes. Not anymore. Her determination, her courage, her passion, it seemed like all the things he loved about her were slowly slipping away from her. She had declined 'gracefully' several lunch and dinner invitations from him. He didn't know what else to do. So he did something his Grandma Sarah taught him when he was a little boy. He prayed.   
Sitting in his office, with his face in his hands, as tears slipped down his face he began   
"God, I know I haven't kept in touch with you lately. I know better than anyone that I don't deserve anything from You. But God, this is not about me. This is about the woman I love more than anything on this Earth. I know she's not physically dying, but God it feels just like it. It feels like she's dying inside. I know she's not well. I know she's not sleeping, I know she's not eating right, and I know she's hurting. But God, Why won't she talk to me? Have I really hurt her so much in the past that she can't trust me anymore? Have I so effectively terminated my own existence by driving away my soul mate? God, please. Help me on this one, will you? I don't know what to do. I thought I would be satisfied with making sure she's protected. But it's just not enough. I want to see her smile again, I want to hear her laugh, I want to see her eat, I want to hear her argue with me, hell she can yell at me and tell me she hates me for all I care, as long as I can hear her voice. I know I sound desperate, but I'm so scared, so scared that I've lost her forever and that the damage I've caused can never be repaired. Please God, I'll never ask for anything else my entire life, as long as I have her, with me, forever."   
Mac looked across the bullpen and could see Harm's face in his hands. She had no clue what he was doing. "Oh, hell. He's probably asleep on his feet again after a good 'workout' with 'blondie' last night" failing to keep the hurt and frustration from her voice.  
She really thought he was seeing someone and didn't want to tell her because he felt sorry for her. She didn't want his pity. 'It's probably another one of those blonde bimbos he likes so much'. "Not ready to let go, ha? What a bunch of crap, Rabb. It sure as hell is easy for you to let go with every blonde that crosses your path. Not that you need to make any effort yourself. Those gold wings get you any woman you look at" she stopped herself when she realized she was talking to herself again. God was she losing it. She thought about a TDY. "Again?" she asked herself. Of course, she wanted to run, run away. However, she knew that wasn't the answer. She had tried it right after the crash, and she got nothing out of it. Transferring? Hell no. She had worked too hard to find her place at JAG, and she sure as well was not about to give it all up for one cocky, arrogant, self serving, fighter pilot turned lawyer, who could make her blood boil with his stupid flyboy grin.   
Deep inside she knew it wasn't his fault. She knew he had tried to talk to her. She had declined every invitation. Not because she didn't want to talk to him, but because she didn't want his pity. She knew that he wanted to help, but it would only be temporary. He'd eventually leave her once again. He'd eventually put his relationship with someone else before her. Someone he believed worthy of his love. Someone who looked good next him, someone who his family would accept, not her, she was just a messed up Marine. Sure he cared for her, but in truth, she was just good 'ole Mac, the best friend, the kick ass Marine that had no feelings. God, hadn't she tried to tell him how she felt? "Of course you have, give it up. He doesn't want you, and that's the end of it. Now ignore him for a few days until you get a grip and bury your feelings for him as you've done since that day in the Rose Garden" she said to herself. 'Marine, hold your head up high and find someone else who'll love you' she thought to herself, silently trying to set her mind at ease. She failed miserably. In no time, she was in tears again.   
He watched her from across the bullpen as she put her face in her hands and wept. His heart broke for the woman he loved, and that's when it suddenly hit him. He had to do something. He had to take the next step. He was tired of waiting for the time to be right. He thought that after all they had been through the previous year, his crash, the wedding and all, that they need some time to get back their friendship. He didn't want to rush anything. He wanted this to be forever, he couldn't afford to have anything go wrong with his Sarah. Not this time. He decided he would go talk to her, but this time, he was going to let her have it, all of it. She would hear him out even if he ended up in the hospital hooked up to thirty beeping machines.  
  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
That evening  
Harm parked his SUV in front of the apartment. But this time it was different. It was not 2300. It was barely 1900 and he was already there. The truth is he was a little nervous. He wanted to talk to her; he needed to talk to her. So, with determination born of his concern for her, he opened the door and walked to her building. Up the stairs and in front of her door, he debated again whether it was a good idea to do this or not. What the hell, he thought. It can't get any worse so he knocked.  
Mac was surprised to hear the knock on the door. She wasn't expecting anyone. She got up and put everything she had been looking at away. She put the lid on the shoebox and slid it under a chair in the living room, and started towards the door, wiping her own tears away. She looked through the peephole, and there he was. Slowly she opened the door and he simply stared at her. She looked terrible, he thought. She had definitely been crying. Still she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. In his eyes, she was perfect. If only she would believe him.   
Oh my God, how can he do this to me just by looking at me, she thought as she debated whether to let him in or not. She knew she shouldn't let him in. If she did, she knew the battle was lost. He would flash his flyboy grin at her and she would melt.   
"Can I come in?" he asked nervously. She just stared.  
"Mac?" he repeated noticing the faraway look on her beautiful face.  
"Uh.. Huh. Oh, sorry, yeah, come in, please" she said trying to hide the emotions behind her words. But her attempt didn't go unnoticed by him.  
He walked silently inside, and then turned to look at her straight in the eyes.   
"Mac, we need to talk," he said  
"Harm..."  
"No Sarah. I don't care what you say. This time you're hearing me out. I won't take no for an answer" he stated, and she could do nothing but stare, she was paralyzed.   
"Sarah, I don't know exactly what's been happening the past three weeks. I know you're a Marine and all that, please don't start with the 'I'm a Marine' speech. Believe me, I know all too well what you're capable of. It's just that I'm really worried about you. Try to understand where I'm coming from here" he was cut off by her cold words...  
"Oh, believe me. I understand perfectly where you're coming from Harm. You don't have to explain yourself to me. I already told you the other day in your office. We are friends Harm, and I want you to be happy. Just like you want me to be happy, I'm sure. I really appreciate your concern, and I'm grateful for it. But I can take care of myself, really. I don't need your protection and I definitely don't want or need your pity" she said unsure of where to go next.  
"Pity? What are you talking about Mac? Are you okay? Did you hit your head or something?" he was cut off by her once again  
"Well, of course. That's right. It's my fault right? I must have done something wrong, because I obviously would HAVE to be out of my mind to disagree with the great Harmon Rabb. Isn't that right?" her tone now conveyed anger, frustration, and hurt.   
"Mac, I don't know where this is coming from, but you need to stop this right now because you're so off base here that..."  
"But of course. I don't know anything anymore, do I? Do you really think I need your help? Don't you think I would've asked for it if I wanted it?" she said regretting her hateful words as they were coming out of her mouth. But she couldn't stop herself.   
Harm looked at her shocked at her words. "You don't want my help Mac?" he asked almost in a whisper, feeling the tears well up inside him. He was definitely losing her. He had to do something, and fast. This conversation was getting out of hand.   
"Ha, ha, ha. Come on Harm, you think everyone needs your help, don't you? Everyone needs help but you. The great Harmon Rabb, Jr.. So righteous, so pure" he looked at her as he widened his eyes in surprise at hearing those words from her again. This time she wasn't drunk though. This time she meant it. Before he could recover she launched again.  
"So how long is this phase going to last ha? How long are you going to 'help' me? How long will it be until you get tired of 'helping' and find some other blonde to brighten your life?" she was definitely losing it now and she knew it, but couldn't help the words coming out of her mouth.  
"Mac!" he shouted. "Please stop, stop. You don't know what you're saying. Please, don't do this, please....." he begged her with tears rolling down his handsome face, as he held on to the sofa and sank down to the floor next to it. His face in his hands now wet from the tears.   
She had never seen him like this before. Sure she had seen him cry in Russia, she had been there for him when he found Diane's killer. She was there when Jordan was murdered. They had a special connection, and she knew it. The sight of him begging her to stop just tore at her heart like nothing else she'd ever experienced. He just sat there in the floor. Unable to lift his face to look at her too overwhelmed by the emotions he had just revealed. Mac was frozen in place. She couldn't believe what she was witnessing. Here was the strongest man she knew, crying like a baby in front of her.   
"Mac..." he whispered. She just stood there.  
"Harm...I.I don't..."  
"No Mac, you don't. You don't understand. And I know it's not your fault that you don't. I haven't done a good job of making myself clear where you're concerned, and I'm sorry for that. I'm an idiot okay? I don't know what happens to me when it comes to you, but all the rules I knew about life don't apply to you. You make me do things I never thought I would do. Like crying for a woman for example....," he said. He took a deep breath before going on.   
"Mac, I know that I've hurt you in more ways than one over the years. You've always been there for me, you've helped me through so much, and all I've done is cause you pain. I've tried. God knows I tried to leave you alone. After you accepted Mic's ring, I thought I had lost you forever. I knew I had screwed up big time and I didn't deserve you, and I didn't know how to fix it. I thought you had made your choice."  
He started to get up from where he was on the floor next to the couch and she hurried over to his side and helped him up. They sat on the couch, next to each other, and she couldn't feel anything other than pain and regret as she thought about the words that she'd said to him a few minutes before. She reached out with her hand and wiped the tears away from his handsome face, as he gazed deep into her eyes. She knew she had lost the battle just then. As soon as she caught his eyes, she couldn't look away. They were connected all right. That much she knew for sure.   
"Harm, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I had no right..."  
"Shhh... Sarah, I didn't come here to hear you apologize. I came prepared for anything you might throw at me. It doesn't mean it didn't hurt me what you just said, but I need you to listen now. There's a purpose to my visit and this time I won't go away until I'm done talking. Then you can do whatever you want with me" he finished firmly.  
She had to smile at the resolution in his tone and face.   
"I don't know exactly how to explain this to you, but I'll try." He turned her so she could face him and cupped her face in his hands. "When you asked me that day in the ferry how long we were going to wait, I froze. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. All our times together flashed through my mind in a split second. I knew I wanted you. I've wanted you since I can remember Sarah. But I wanted to do things the right way. I wasn't ready to throw away our only chance at happiness because I couldn't keep my pants zipped. That's why I always ran from you. When you accused me of not being able to let go I said 'not yet'. I guess you understood 'never'."  
"Harm, I was so tired of being alone, so tired of having you so close and yet so far away. I took a chance, and now I can see that maybe it wasn't the best thing to do...."  
He silenced her with a finger to her lips. "Please, let me finish. When you got to the airport the next day and I saw you wearing Brumby's ring I felt like I had died. Suddenly it was like I was outside my own body looking at myself. It didn't feel real. I wanted to run, run far away. My own self-control, which I have mastered through the years kept me sane, at least for a while. When we got back from Australia, I was numb"   
"Harm, Mic offered me everything I wanted. It felt like it was my last chance at that family I wanted," she said softly, watching intently for his reaction.  
"I know, and I'm sorry if a made you think that's not what I wanted from you. You have to understand one thing. When I saw you wearing his ring, I felt betrayed. Since that day in the Rose Garden, the one thing constant on my mind was my feelings for you. I knew I loved you the first day I saw you. I knew I would never love anyone else again, ever. I spent four long years building and trying to perfect my own feelings. Trying to get my life in order so I could give you the best I had to offer. You were there through my hardest times. You knew all about my obsessions, my faults, and my past. You helped me through it all. I thought if there was someone on this earth that could understand me without any words, it was you Sarah. But understand this. I had just found out that my father and that other woman that night before he was shot down. I had a real hard time digesting all of that. I was still on active flight status, so I could get called back to flying if something happened, and I promised myself that I would never put my own family through what my father put us through when he was shot down. I couldn't help but think that maybe I could do that, someday, to you... to you Sarah. I love you so much that every time I thought about you all I could think of was how I could mess up someday and screw up everything we worked so hard to build, our friendship. I didn't want to loose you. I thought I was protecting you from...well, from me"   
Mac sat there stunned. She could've never read so much into it. That night, she had been so hurt, that she stopped listening to what he was saying. She had misinterpreted everything he had been trying to tell her. God, what kind of friend was she? How could he ever forgive her for not trusting him?  
He noticed the look on her face and asked "What is it Sarah?"  
"Did you just say, um,...you just said that you....well..." she was cut off by his gentle hand on her cheek and his voice.  
"You mean I said that I love you?" he asked her.  
"Mmhhmm..." was all she could say, still unable to break their visual connection.  
"Of course I love you. I always have. I wanted the moment I told you to be special, but I guess I can't wait any longer" he told her looking right at her.   
Shaking her head visibly to try and digest everything she was hearing she remembered what he had said and asked "What do you mean Harm? Why would you want to protect me?" she asked, confusion evident in her face.  
"Mac, because my life was so screwed up at the moment that I didn't think I had anything to give you. I was just starting to put my life together after returning from flying, and you didn't make it any easier by ignoring me and acting like you had replaced me with Mic."  
He chose his words carefully knowing that this was the most important conversation he had ever had.   
"Mac, I needed my life back before I could offer it to you" he said finally, pain and regret clouding his handsome face.   
"Oh my God....." she whispered, trailing off as she fought not to break down. She still needed some more answers, and she knew she might not get another opportunity like this ever with this man.  
His own tears threatened again and he buried his face in his hands again. She gently reached out to him, put her hand on his shoulder, and asked a question she had been dying to ask for almost two years now.   
"Harm, what exactly happened on that ferry ride?" she asked cautiously.  
"Mac, I have to be honest with you. I thought you were willing to risk our friendship for just a night of pleasure. That's how it came across to me, you know, with you asking me about the topless thing and all. I didn't understand Mac. It was so sudden, so unexpected of you. I know we used to joke around and all, but that night you weren't joking. I could see it in your eyes, and I was terrified. I always thought the day when we finally talked about being more than friends would be the best day of my life. It turned out to be a nightmare that lasted a year and a half" he explained.  
"Jesus..." was all she could say. Tears starting to roll down her face. She quickly sobered up. She wasn't going to make this any easier for him.   
"Harm, that sounds really nice. It almost sounds like a dream that someone would have those kinds of feelings for me, and I'm sure you expect me to believe all this, but don't you see how hard it is for me to believe this?"  
"Why?"  
"Because, Harm...it didn't take you long after we came back from Australia to start things off with Renee. You never had a problem starting things with women. Hell, you NEVER had problems with women. You had them all at your feet, correction, still have them all at your feet. How do you think I felt? You were ready to flirt with every blonde, long legged woman that you met, engaged in a relationship with someone who you barely knew without thinking twice, and here you stood on the ferry, after I wore my heart on my sleeve for you, and you all but flat out told me you didn't want me" she said as the tears kept falling.  
He continued. Determined to explain his actions to her,  
"The next day when I saw you wearing his ring, I thought all you had wanted from me was a temporary fling. God Sarah, it hurt, it hurt so much to think that all you wanted was just a night. I wanted to give you my heart, my soul, everything I had. You were my life. You still are. All I needed was a little more time until I could get my life in order so I could share it with you. Never, under any circumstances would I have let you think that all I felt for you was lust, and desire. True those things I do feel for you as well, but before anything else, I loved you. I still do. I could never even think of disrespecting you that way. 'Only with you' I told you. It was the truth. It still is. I needed time to figure out everything. JAG, one of us would have to transfer. I wanted to plan everything, our first date, the first time we kissed, our engagement, the wedding, our first night making love, the kids, the big house, the lazy Sundays, baseball practice... I wanted to give you everything. I still do, but I needed time because I wanted it to be perfect. And when you ran from me to Mic I thought you didn't feel for me the same I felt for you. I felt like my heart had been ripped from me, Mac. Four years waiting and planning and wanting everything to be perfect to realize that the woman I loved didn't love me back the same way," he said as he looked at her face full of tears.   
She started sobbing, and it soon got out of control. He put his arms around her, and held her close, wishing he could take away the pain, wishing he could make those memories disappear, but unfortunately, if they were ever to move forward, he had to make her understand. She had to know everything.  
She calmed down after a while. He was about to continue when he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. That's when he realized the truth of his word had finally gotten through to her. God, she was so beautiful, even when she cried. A thought suddenly crossed his mind and he gasped as he remembered her last question. 'Don't you see how hard it is for me to believe this?' she had said.   
"Mac....Sarah...is that really what you thought? That I wasn't with you because you weren't my type physically? Did you ever think that I wasn't attracted to you?" he said as his eyes widened.   
"Harm, I'm nothing but a kick ass Marine with a horrible past. I never thought you could really love me. You never dated anyone remotely like me. You never even showed interest in me in any way. What did you want me to believe? When you started dating Renee, I thought I had my answer. There he goes again, looking for Mrs. Right. I thought it was just a matter of time until you finally found another one of those women you liked so much and she took you away from me forever. I tried one last time on the ferry, but when you backed away, I thought I had my answer. I could never be what you wanted. If I was, then why didn't you want me?" she said her voice barely audible as she let out more tears.   
"God Mac, are you understanding any of what I'm trying to tell you? Do you understand why I always ran from you? Can't you see why I never had a problem starting relationships before? None of them were you, Sarah. I knew that nothing was serious with any of them. They could never be you; they could never hurt me because they could never get past my defenses. You're the only woman that's been able to do that. None of them ever had the power you have over me, Sarah. No one could ever brake down the walls I put up around my heart when I was six years old. No, not even Diane. Sure, she was a great friend, and I did love her in my own way, but I never allowed her truly inside my heart. You just wormed your way in and I could do nothing to stop it. I'm completely vulnerable when it comes to you, and that's why I was scared. None of my girlfriends were like you, and I wanted it that way, because it was hard enough to see you all day and have to pretend I didn't want you. I couldn't handle someone at home, in my bed, who reminded me of you. They were never substitutes for you. The whole point was to try to forget you; to hide my feelings so that I couldn't hurt you like I hurt everyone else. So, of course I never looked for anyone like you. I knew I couldn't have you then, I wasn't enough for you, so, like the idiot that I am, I waited until I could put my past behind me to start clean with you, and I almost lost you because of that" he said.   
With tears rolling down her face she began, "Harm, but, how could you ever think that you weren't enough for me? Don't you remember anything about my past? Don't you remember how every man I've been involved with is either dead or destroyed? I'm the one that didn't deserve you, and I still don't...." she said, and he cut her off.  
"What are you talking about?"..he started surprised at her admission. He never thought that she harbored so many insecurities inside. He thought he was the only one who had issues in this relationship, but hearing this from her made him feel worse than he already did. He had destroyed her self-esteem. His fears and insecurities were killing her inside. He had to put a stop to this.   
"Sarah, you were right there for me every time I needed you. You were loyal and caring, and you risked your life more than once for my sake. I don't know what my life would be like if God hadn't sent you my way. You're my angel, Sarah. You might have had rough times before, but then I have too. Please, don't you ever, ever think that you're not good enough, under any circumstances. I won't allow it" he finished.  
The sincerity and love she heard in his voice finished the job, as the walls she had put up broke down, and all she had left to feel was love, love for the man in front of her that obviously loved her back.   
"Oh, Harm. I love you so much, I really do. But you have to understand. There are things you still don't know about me," she said, covering her face with her hands.  
"What things, Sarah?"  
"Harm, please. Don't do this. I can't do this to you" she begged. This man loved her, and all she could do was cause him pain.   
"Is this about what happened with Eric?" he asked gently. "If it is, please Mac, talk to me. I promise you, nothing could ever make me stop loving you. And if you choose not to tell me right away, or ever, well that's fine then. But I won't go away, Sarah. We've barely found each other tonight after six years of lies and half-truths, and I won't let you run away. Not this time" he finished firmly.  
"Harm, please. Listen to me. This whole mess is about something that happened a long time ago. It's the one thing in my past that I haven't come to terms with yet. I need a little time to work through this. Please, I promise I'll tell you. But I can't right now. I don't know how you'll react to this, and well...." she trailed off and looked at him pleading with him for understanding.  
"Okay, Sarah. Whatever you need. But please promise me something" he said taking her hands in his own and squeezing them.  
"What is it Harm?" she asked  
"Promise that you won't shut me out. Please. Promise that we'll be best friends before anything else. If you decide after this that you don't want to be with me, that it's too late, I can live with that, as long as I know that I have your friendship and your trust. Please don't leave me. I'm begging you, please..." and his tears started again.  
"Shhh, Harm. I promise I won't ever leave you. I told you you'd never lose me in the Admiral's porch that night, and I meant it. I'll always be here for you.... About us being together....." she trailed off not sure how to make him understand, then with an air of conviction she started again looking straight at him..... "This time it'll be up to you. I don't know what you'll think of me after this is over. But I promise you I won't ever leave you if you don't want me to. I trust you with my life, Harm. You should know that by know," she said gently, as she took his face in her hands and stroked his cheeks wiping away his tears.   
"Oh, Sarah... no matter what it is you have to tell me, nothing could make me love you any less. Nothing. You got that? N-O-T-H-I-N-G. No way am I letting you get away from me. NEVER!!!" he finished.   
He looked straight into her eyes and for a moment they both forgot everything else existed. Nothing else mattered but the love they felt for each other. Careful not to startle her, he slowly moved his face closer and she parted her lips slightly in anticipation. She knew what was about to happen, and she wanted it as much as him. Their lips met in a gentle kiss full of promises. It was time to set this right. It was time to stop thinking and start feeling. It wasn't too late.  
The kiss rapidly grew from sweet to passionate. She weaved her hands around his neck and he encircled her with her arms around her waits, pulling tighter against his body. All coherent thought absent, they lost themselves in the passion and the longing they felt, as years of denied feelings took over them both.   
Harm was in heaven. He couldn't believe he had waited that long to kiss her like this. He was sure that he needed her in his life before, but after this they could never go back to being just friends. After having the feeling of her in his arms, kissing and hugging her without any fears about what he felt for her, he knew he could never let her go again. She had to be his, he couldn't live without her, not now, not ever. Sarah Catherine Mackenzie was his life, and he would make sure to spend the rest of his life demonstrating just that.   
Making an impossible effort to make good use of his brain, Harm reluctantly broke off the kiss, and rested his forehead on hers. His breathing was nowhere near normal, but he made an effort to gain control of his thinking skills and get out the words he needed to say.   
He remembered their talk in his office earlier that day. He knew he had to tell her where he had been spending the nights the past two weeks. However, he didn't know how to tell her. He was so terrified of her reaction that he almost put himself on trial mentally to reach a decision. Finally, after a few minutes, he notices her hesitation and he knew she was having doubts about him again. She started to pull away from him, but he held her arms and hugged her tight to his chest, kissing the top her hear softly, and got no resistance from her. This made him smile and helped him continue on with what he had to say.  
"Mac..."  
"Yeah.."  
"Listen, I'm sorry..."  
"Don't Harm...Please, don't do this to me again. Please don't say you're sorry. I can't handle much right now, and if you reject me now...."   
He was startled when he heard the last few words she said and rapidly cut her off shaking her gently and holding her face in his hands he started..  
"Whoa. Easy there, Ninja Girl. Why are you even mentioning that horrible word.."  
"What word is that Harm..." she whispered trying to divert her eyes from his  
"Rejection, Sarah. How could you even think that after all I've said to you right now I would turn around and pretend like nothing happened?" he said  
"I don't know Harm.." her tears threatening to fall. "This is so unexpected. You've never done anything like this before. I've never heard so many personal things come out of your mouth at once before. It's been years Harm, years that I've been trying everything to get you to notice me, to talk to me....." she trailed off, her voice barely audible now, as tears started down her face again.  
"SShhhhh, I'm sorry. Sarah, I'm so sorry for everything that I've put you through. I really am. You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you all of this before. But you have to believe me. I wanted to give you the best I could give you. Besides, I thought we needed some time to get our friendship back. I thought you wanted the same thing" he said hugging her tightly and caressing her hair.   
"I do Harm. I do want our friendship back. I guess after your crash and everything I realized it's better to have you as a friend than to not have you at all. Harm, I'll understand if you're not comfortable with this. You can still take back what you said...."   
"NO.NO.NO. Hold on. We are having serious communication problems here Sarah" he said softly.  
"We've always had them Harm, why would it change now?" she said.  
"Because we want it to. I want it to change, at least" he told her and before she could say anything else, he remembered that he had yet to explain to her where he had been spending his nights. He stepped away from her so he could look her in the eyes. Then tugged her gently towards the couch, and they sat down once again.   
"Look. I owe you an explanation" he said holding up his hands before she could interrupt him. "I know I never answered your messages that night that I came to see you. We talked about this today in my office, but I know you didn't believe me, so I'm going to tell you the truth now ok?" he said  
"Okay, Harm. But you don't need to explain yourself to me. I have no right.." she was cur off again  
"Yes you do. Yes you *do* have the right to know everything about me, Sarah. I love you, and I'd like to think you love me as much as I do you. You already have the most private of all my possessions, my heart. How could you not have the right to now about everything else?" he looked at her and saw a small smile starting at her lips.   
"Oh Harm. All these years you've kept everything so closed up, and now you sure are making up for all the conversations we never had" she said smiling fully now at him.  
"And I plan never again to close up to you. It won't happen again" he said  
"Is that a promise" she asked  
"It's a promise, Sarah" he replied.  
"Okay, now, you were saying...." She trailed off and looked at him  
"Well, the reason I never answered your calls is that I didn't know how to explain to you what I was doing" he noticed the look of hurt that crossed her beautiful face and regretted the words he chose right away.  
"Sarah, look at me. Please..look at me" she looked up at him and he continued. "I spent every night on my SUV. Right here, outside your apartment. Well, at least the first week I did. After the first week, I came up to your front door late at night when I was sure you were asleep and stayed right outside your door" he said looking away from her. His fear of her reaction getting the better of him.  
"What...you did..um..Harm?...did you really..."  
He turned and looked her in the eyes and she knew he was saying the truth.  
"Jesus....Harm..why didn't you tell me anything? Oh my God... that's why you haven't been sleeping. Harm, why did you do it? Were you really that concerned? Why didn't you call someone, Webb, or the Admiral. Why did you do it on your own. How come you never..."   
"Hey, hey, slow down Mac" he said.  
By the time she was cut off by him this time she was already up and pacing the living room trying to get a grip on all that he had just told her. She couldn't believe that's what he had been doing. A wave of regret washed over her as she remembered her accusations towards him. 'And you keep messing things up, misinterpreting him and not trusting him' she thought to herself. He was still sitting on the couch looking at her expectantly now, fear and apprehension written all over his beautiful face. She turned to look at him and her heart broke at the sight. He was scared. Scared of her reaction, and she wondered how she had ever gotten to this point.   
She quickly walked towards the couch and knelt on the couch next to him. She smiled at him, and took him in her arms. He was a little surprised at first, not expecting this reaction from her at all. He settled his head in her chest and hugged her tight with his arms around her waist. She ran her fingers through his silky hair while her other hand stroked his cheek. Seconds later she felt the wetness of the tears on her hand. Shortly after that she heard him start to sob silently. Her own tears started falling and she hugged him tighter as he held on to her for dear life.   
"Mac..." he whispered still in tightly in her embrace.  
"Yeah..."  
"Sarah, I'm sorry for what I did. I know your're a Marine and all, but I was scared for you. You threw me out of you apartment. I knew you wanted space, so I decided I would still keep you safe even if you hated me..."  
"I never hated you Harm. I could never hate you. I love you, Harmon Rabb, Jr. Please never forget that" she told him gently  
"I love you too, Sarah. More than anything in this world" he replied.  
Suddenly realizing something she quickly asked him  
"Harm? You didn't stay out there watching over me because of the note with the flowers, did you?" she said, knowing that there had to be something else he wasn't telling him.  
"Well... I got..um..see..the thing is..."  
"Come on Harm, just tell me will you? Why were you so afraid?"  
"Mac, I got a couple more letters from that Eric guy at my office. They weren't really that bad, and they weren't really a substantial threat or anything, but I still got scared. You never know what a person driven by the past can do...and..well...I thought it was better not to alarm anyone else" he answered  
"Harm....what did..um..what did the letters say about...well..did he say anything about...you know..him and...him and me?" she asked him, dreading his answer thinking that Eric might have spilled everything on those letters  
"They weren't really specific, Mac.Well, not about your past anyway. But he clearly described everything he'd like to do to you if he got you alone. I guess he never really threatened to physically assault you or anything. But I figured if he ever came near your apartment I could at least stop him before he made you cry again" She couldn't believe it. Her heart soared when she heard him talking that way about her. He continued in a whisper. "Mac, I don't know what happened with him. But I know he hurt you, and I also know that you're probably blaming yourself. Please don't do that" he said  
By the time he finished he had detangled himself from her arms and was holding her tight against him, her head resting on his chest and her hands wrapped around his middle.   
"Mac, that day you talked to him on the phone, and the day he came to the office and youdropped you coffee, Mac, I would've done anything in this world to keep you from going through that. The look in your face broke my heart, Mac. I could barely control myself, and it was only the thought of the Admiral and a forced transfer to Iceland, that kept me from going after Eric and setting a few things straight with him" he said  
"Harm, I really appreciate your concern, and you have no idea how great it makes me feel that you care about me that much, but I can't change my past. Some things happened and I can't go back. I can only face them and hope to get through them. You've been with me through so many things, and have helped me fight so many ghosts. You know what a mess I made of my life when I was younger..."  
"Mac...listen to me. Don't you ever again imply that you deserve any of this" he calmed down a little, and continued to speak in a soft voice. "Mac, I heard the things he told you. I heard the tone in his voice. I could kill him Mac, for talking to you that way. That's why I stayed out on the street all these nights. I wanted to make sure that he never again had a chance to get to you, to hurt you like that" he finished as he gently stroked her hair.   
"Harm, I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm so sorry I treated you so bad that day you came to see me. I knew you were worried, but all I could think of was that it was only temporary. That you didn't really care that much about me, that you would stay with me until I opened up and cried and then you'd leave me again for another blonde whenever you thought I could survive on my own" she said her voice a whisper.  
"Oh God Mac, I'm so sorry. Is that really what you've believed all these years?"  
She nodded and he felt his own tears threaten again at the thought of all the heartache he had caused her. But that would change. Yes it would. He was determined now. He would make it up to her.  
"Harm..."  
"Yes"  
"Could you hold me tonight?" she asked in a shy voice.   
How could he refuse? He'd never seen her so vulnerable. Without hesitation he answered   
"Of course, Sarah. Anything you want" he told her   
That Friday night Harm finally held his Sarah resting confidently, knowing that no matter what life threw their way they would be fine. He had finally opened up to her, and God it felt good. He stayed awake for hours just watching her sleep in his arms. Of course, sleep wasn't just all he wanted to do with her, but his physical needs seemed insignificant compared to what he really needed the most. Her heart. He was determined to show her how much he loved her. He didn't know yet what exactly had bothered her so much about Eric's visit, but he had the feeling that it wouldn't be easy for her to share it. That night, he made a vow, to make her feel cherished and loved for the rest of his life. He didn't need his Tomcats, or JAG, or the Navy anymore. Now that he knew first hand what it felt like to truly love someone, he wasn't willing to let go of it, for nothing. His priorities were set straight, and for once in his life, he had no doubts about it.  
MONDAY (Three weeks after Eric's visit)  
JAG HQ  
1200 EST  
  
"Enter" she called from inside her office  
"Hey Marine, how are those reports coming along?" he asked her with a grin on his face.  
She smiled up at him and once again he felt weak in the knees when he saw her face light up. He knew he had something to do with her new found happiness, and nothing ever had made him more proud. It felt good to see his Sarah smile. Smile at him. 'You're losing it Rabb' he told himself, while he kept staring at her beautiful face. Her voice brought him back from his thoughts.  
"Harm. Harm? Harm!!"  
"Uh..um..what? Did you say something?" he asked  
"Where did you go?" she said with a knowing smile on her face, because she could definitely recognize that sheepish grin on his face. She had been there too. Daydreaming about him, and she could tell it was his turn now. A wave of emotion ran through her when she noticed the blush on his face, as he quickly sat down before his knees gave up on him.  
"Oh, nowhere important. Just a little spaced out there for a second..." he looked at her pleading to change the subject.   
She let him off the hook this time and said. "Well, is there a reason for you dropping by at this strange hour of the day?" she told him knowing full well that it was time for lunch.  
Her stomach chose that moment to make one of those noises, and he laughed lightly.  
"Well, I was just looking around to see if I could find a pretty Marine Colonel to join me for lunch today" he said looking at her and smiling. "But I don't think I'll find one around here" he said  
She looked at him and raised an eyebrow "Really? And what exactly do you think you'll find around here then?" she asked  
"Oh, I already found it. Not a pretty Marine, but a beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous, intelligent AND hungry Marine" he said rising from his chair and extending his hand to her.   
She laughed heartily and reached for his hand and he said "Ready?"  
"I'm a Marine, Harm. I'm always ready" she winked at him  
"Well let's get a move on, Ninja Girl. Don't want to upset that little stomach of yours any more than it already is" he said grinning at her.  
They walked out of the office ignoring the knowing smile from Harriet, who in spite of not having information had a pretty good idea about how their weekend had played out.  
  
The week went by with the partners and best friends seeing each other regularly and spending most of their free time with each other, including lunch, and breakfast after their morning run, which they had started to enjoy together once again. Mac was happier than she'd ever been in her life, but there was still something that had her worried. She knew that Harm didn't want to pressure her to talk, and she loved him for it, but she owed him an explanation. She had to tell him, but everything was going so great between them that she didn't have the nerve to start talking. 'Maybe he'll think it's stupid. He's a man after all. How is he going to understand how much it hurts?' Stop doubting Harm!, she scolded herself. She knew she had to do it, so she picked up the phone and dialed.  
  
HARM'S APARTMENT  
NORHT OF UNION STATION  
2300 EST  
  
"Hello" he answered the phone after the first ring  
"Hi.."  
"Mac? Are you okay? What's wrong? Where are you?" he knew that was a stupid question to ask. He had caller ID for God's sake. He knew she was calling from her apartment, but he couldn't help it. He sounded like an idiot, but he didn't care. He could tell she had been crying, and that's all he needed to know.  
"Harm, calm down. Besides, I thought you had caller ID? Don't you?" she asked  
"Um, well...I'm not sure if...um...oh hell, of course I do. I just got scared when I heard your voice so late and I lost it ok? I thought something had happened to you" he admitted to her, amazed at the ease with which he could just tell her everything.   
"Harm, relax. Nothing happened. I'm fine, well, sort of..."  
"Mac, what's wrong?"  
"Harm, listen. I need to talk to you about what happened with Eric. I know that you haven't pressured me and all, but I need to tell you..."  
"Sarah, you don't have to tell me anything, you don't owe an explanation. I know whatever it is it's hard for you to talk about. I don't want you to think that..." she cut him off.  
"Harm!!! Listen to me. I want to talk to you about this because I need to talk to someone, and you're the only person in the world I trust with my life. Got that?" she finished waiting for his answer and preparing for another argument. God was this man stubborn!!! 'But he's yours and you love him all the same' she thought and that made her smile. He brought her back from her thoughts.  
"Mac..Mac!!! MAC!!?" he practically yelled into the phone.  
"Oh, sorry...um..." she tried to explain thankful that he couldn't see her blushing through the phone.  
"Who's daydreaming now ha?" he said, and that earned him a chuckle from her.   
"Nothing gets by you Mr. Rabb" she said  
"No. Stop changing the subject. So, you want to talk? I can be there in 20 minutes...I just need to.."  
"HARM!!! Wait, I didn't mean now. You need your rest. Tomorrow's Friday and you have court all morning. How about we talk over the weekend?" she asked him  
"Oh...ok. Well I don't mind losing sleep over you. Besides, the case is almost wrapped up. I'm sure I'll mop the floor with Sturgis tomorrow whether I sleep or not" he said in a teasing tone.  
"Funny. Wait 'til I tell Sturgis you said that" she teased him  
"Oh, no...please...don't" he said mocking and faking his fear at the thought of confronting Sturgis.  
"Yeah well. I could probably get some pretty good stories from him from your days at the Academy in exchange for this information" she said laughing after she finished.  
He laughed as well, and then silence took over once again.  
"Harm, listen. It won't be easy for me to talk about this, but I have to. I haven't talked to anyone about this ever. It would mean a lot me if I could talk to you about this" she said seriously  
"I told you Sarah. Anything you want I'll do. Whatever it takes to make you happy. If you want to talk, then I'll listen and I promise I'll try my best to understand" he answered her, and she felt relieved and so blessed that she had someone so special in her life after everything she'd been through.   
"Harm, thank you"  
"No need to thank me. I love you, you know?"  
"I know, and I love you too, very much"  
"Well go get your beauty rest Marine, and I'll see you at work tomorrow okay?"  
"Yes, good night, flyboy. I love you"  
"Goodnight, Ninja Girl. I love you too"  
And with that they hung up the phone, both sighing after ending the call and wondering how their second weekend together would go.   
  
HARM'S SUV  
FRIDAY   
2000 EST  
  
Harm was driving his SUV daydreaming of his beautiful Marine. "Sarah" he said aloud. He couldn't believe that they were finally together. He was still worried, but now that he knew that she wanted to talk he could sleep a little better.   
As he thought more and more about his Sarah an uneasy feeling took over him. She's probably asleep by now, he thought. Besides, after I made a fool out of myself yesterday night on the phone, I don't think she'll appreciate it I just wake her up because I had a hunch, he thought. He continued to argue with himself and tried to collect enough evidence to prove his case. "Hey, I am a lawyer and an investigator after all" he said to himself using putting his hands up in the air as if surrendering to someone. He looked to the other cars next to him. "Yep, I am officially losing it" he said to himself, trying not to look to involved in his one-person conversation so that the people in the other cars wouldn't notice him talking to himself.   
However, the more he tried to reason and convince himself, the worse the feeling grew. He figured he could always stop by her apartment and stay out there in his SUV until she fell asleep, if she wasn't already. With that, he headed towards Georgetown, once again to watch over his Sarah.   
GEORGETWON  
OUTSIDE MAC'S APARTMENT  
2030 EST  
Harm parked his SUV outside the apartment and waited for a while. Everything seemed in order, and her apartment's lights were still on. She's probably reading, he thought. That's something he had learned about his Marine in the few days they had spent in each other's company. She always read at least a paragraph a night before going to sleep. 'You never cease to amaze me, Sarah' he thought to himself, while looking up at her apartment. She'd probably think he was crazy if she found out he was there. "Oh, well. Better safe than sorry" he said to himself.   
Out of the corner of his eye he saw something moving. A small figure approached and he figured it was a kid. That uneasy feeling grew even stronger as the kid approached. When he walked under one of the street lights he realized why. It was the same kid that had delivered that package for Mac at the office three weeks ago. Without thinking, he got out of his car and crossed the street. He figured the kid saw him but didn't recognize him. He noticed the kid had a box in his hands and saw him enter Mac's apartment building.   
He went after him and caught up with him right before he entered the elevator.  
"Hey buddy" Harm said trying not to scare him  
The kid looked at him and apparently recognized him from the office, but didn't show any signs of fear. Harm could tell he was nervous, but nothing more than that.  
"Do you know someone that lives here?" Harm asked  
"Not really, I'm just supposed to deliver something to lady in this building. You are the guy from that military office aren't you?" the kid asked him  
"Yeah. I do remember you delivered something for Sarah Mackenzie at the office a while back. She's my friend, and I just came by to visit her. I could take it up to her if you want?" Harm said trying to sound calm as his mind wondered what was inside that box.   
"Well, I should really give it to her myself" the kid said.   
'So this kid has no idea what's going on' Harm thought to himself. He tried a different method.  
"Oh, sure. I understand. Listen...that day that you made that delivery for Sarah Mackenzie, well, let's just say that what you delivered wasn't a pleasant surprise. Can you tell me who paid you to deliver this?"  
The kid grew a little nervous as he realized that Harm was suspicious of him. He knew there was something wrong when that man had paid him to deliver that package that first day, but it was good money and he honestly didn't care what was in it. This was the second time he was delivering for that man, and now he was in trouble?   
"Listen, Sir. I have no clue what's going on. This guy paid me to deliver this and that's what I'm doing. How can I be sure that you're not the bad guy here? This man seemed to really like this lady. He even told me that he was going to marry her" the kid finished and when he saw the look in Harm's face he feared for his life.  
"Okay, listen to me now. We are going to go upstairs, and you're going to get that package delivered, and then you'll get the hell out of here, understood? This man that talked to you is dangerous. He's not a good man, and I know you're a good kid, so let's just....."   
The sound of Eric's voice made him turn around and look at him. Eric might not be defenseless, but he was certainly nothing to worry about. When Harm saw the look in his eyes he recognized a man driven by his past. He knew right there and then that Eric was dangerous, not because he could physically harm him, but because of the power he knew his memories had over the woman he loved.   
"So, the jealous boyfriend comes to the rescue?" Eric said in a sarcastic tone.  
"What do you want?"  
"I want a lot of things, but mainly, I want to make sure Sarah Mackenzie pays for what she did"  
"And what would that be?"   
By this time, the kid had dropped the packaged on the floor and ran out of the building. Harm notices and was partially relived that no one else would get hurt in this whole mess.   
"She killed him" Eric said looking straight at Harm  
"What?"  
"SHE KILLED HIM!!!!!"   
"When, why, how?"  
"Listen, I don't have time to waste with you. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm really looking forward to tormenting that lame excuse for a human being that lives here" he said  
Those words almost cost him to loose control. He could not believe his ears. How could someone think that of Sarah? Harm pushed aside those thoughts and concentrated on making sure this man didn't get to his Sarah. He would stop him even if it cost him his life. Rapidly looking around he took his environment into consideration. He had 5 inches and at least 40 pounds on Eric. He could take him any day. Not that he was feeling cocky at the moment, but 'poor guy doesn't have a chance if he tries to get through me' he thought. Harm looked at him straight in the eyes and knew this would be easy. With his training and experience in combat, he could anticipate Eric's moves and it was all over before it even began.  
The elevator doors opened and Mac walked out to find Eric down on the floor moaning from the pain. Harm had him pinned down on the floor and she heard the sound of the police sirens coming their way. For a moment, she just stood there. Harm looked at her. After a few minutes of silence he started to get worried.   
"What happened?" she asked him in a soft voice after the police already had Eric under arrest.  
At that same moment a police officer approached him "Sir, we'll need to you to answer some questions, please?" the officer said  
"Sure, of course" Harm answered still looking at Mac. She nodded and so Harm told the officer what had happened.   
"Thank you Commander Rabb" the officer finally said "We'll be in touch" and he left.  
Harm made sure that they took Eric as far away from Mac as possible so he wouldn't have a chance to say any more hurtful things to her. Just the things Eric said to him earlier about Mac had affected him terribly, and he couldn't imagine what hearing those words could do to Mac. He was in overprotective mode and he knew it, but he didn't care.   
"Harm, are you alright?" She asked him softly when he made his way back to stand next to her.   
"I'm fine, Sarah. It was nothing" he said. She took his face in her hands and reached up to caress his face with her hands.   
"Well, you still look a little shaken, that's all. Why don't you come upstairs and let me prepare you some tea?" she said   
"Okay. But I don't want to stay too much later. You have to rest, and I had a great day planned for us tomorrow. Well, if you're up to it that is" he finished looking sheepishly at her.  
Mac smiled. She couldn't believe he was this way with her finally. For a moment forgetting about everything that had just happened, she quickly put her arms around his middle and hugged him fiercely.  
"Whoa, easy there Marine" he laughed softly as he embraced her as well. "You don't want to send me to Bethesda, now do you?"  
She let go of him as punched him playfully in the arm. "Well, if you stop making fun of me, maybe we can go upstairs and get that tea ready for you, along with some painkillers just in case" she said.  
"Lead the way, Ninja Girl" he answered. She took his hand and led him to the elevator.  
  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
Later that same night  
  
They were sitting on the couch. Harm set the teacup in the table and sat back down taking Mac with him and resting her head on his chest. The stayed like that for a while, just enjoying the feel of each other tangled up in an embrace.   
After a long time of companionable silence Mac spoke.  
"Harm?"  
"Yes, sweetheart?"  
"Say that again, please?"  
He smiled at looked down at her. "Yes, sweetheart"  
She smiled widely at him. After a few moments she sobered and looked at him seriously.  
"What is it, honey?"  
"Harm, Eric was Chris' cousin"  
"Oh" was all he could say  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I guess I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I thought he had finally left me alone. It had been a week since I had heard from him, and well, I guess I thought wrong" she said, her soft voice almost a whisper.  
"When Chris went to jail, his whole family blamed me" she continued, sensing he didn't want to pressure her, but knowing he wanted her to trust him with this.  
"And Eric was one of them I take it?"  
"Yes. I didn't know Chris really that well until my senior year in high school. I didn't know Eric either, but everyone knew who he was. His family was very well off, and all the girls dreamed of going out with him. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and everything I heard from the girls that went out with him was that he was a sweetheart" she stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts.  
"And were you one of those girls?" he hated to ask, but he knew she had started talking because she needed to get it out.  
"You're kidding right?" she said sarcastically. "Nobody noticed me in high school. I was the unwanted daughter of a poor alcoholic. Who would want to go out with me?"   
Harm didn't know what to say, sensing there was a lot more coming he simply waited for her to continue, but brought her back to his embrace to make her feel his support.  
She went on drawing strength from his embrace. "After we graduated, Chris and I dated a couple of times before we got married. I really needed to get away from my house, and Chris wanted the same thing. He went to jail six months later and that's when Eric came into the picture."  
"What happened next, Sarah?" he prodded her gently, careful not to sound demanding, simply wanting her to know that he was interested in what she was saying.  
"He all of a sudden wanted to go out with me, and started spending time at the apartment where I lived. He said that he was sorry for what had happened, and that he just didn't want me to be by myself. I didn't know they were cousins. They barely spoke to each other, well at least not in public. So, we started spending time together. He was so sweet and caring most of the time, it seemed like he was interested in me and not just my body, like every other guy. I started to trust him a little, and after a couple months we slept together one night. We were together for a week, and after that week he left me. I was devastated, but it's not like I didn't expect it. So, I went on with my life, and didn't see him again for a while. Little did I know it was all part of their plan" her voice was barely audible by now, and her face was full of tears.  
"It's okay sweetie, you don't have to tell me everything right now. Why don't you go rest and we'll talk tomorrow?" he told her caressing her face and kissing her forehead tenderly.  
"No Harm. I need to get it out. I just want to get it over with, please?" she pleaded  
"Okay. If you're up to it I'm here for you, always" he answered sincerely  
She stayed quiet for a minute gathering her thoughts and he could see the pain written all over her face as she relieved those horrible moments for the first time since it had happened.  
She thought back to the events from years before, and she continued her story.   
"A month after we were together I started having really bad cramps and abdominal pain. One day I woke up and I was bleeding. So, I went to the doctor. One of Eric's friends saw me that morning going into the Women's Clinic, and apparently told Eric. I found out later that Eric had gone to see the doctor and threatened to kill him and his family if he didn't tell him what was wrong with me. They all had been watching me since Chris had gone to jail, but I didn't think it could be that bad. They blamed me for Chris' imprisonment. They thought I was involved in something and I guess they thought I dragged Chris along with me. That's why they hated me so much, but I didn't find out until much later" she stopped again, and willed back the second round of sobs that threatened to start.  
Harm hugged her tighter and asked the question he had to ask "What happened at the doctor, Sarah?"  
"Harm..." she started and broke down crying before she could get another word out.  
"Shh, it's okay. We can talk about this later. Sssshh.. Don't cry honey, please. I hate to see you like this" he said softly silently cursing himself for not being able to take her pain away.   
"Oh, Harm I don't know what I did to deserve you"   
"Sarah....I want you to listen to me very carefully ok? There is no way on this Earth that I will ever allow you to imply that you're not good enough. Did you understand me?"  
"Mmmhmm..." was her only reply  
"Did you?" he repeated  
"Yes, Harm. I understood you because I love you, and I know you love me. But there are things in my past that...."  
"And there you go again. Mac, the past is a part of you. That past is what made you the woman that you are today, the woman that I fell in love with. Sarah, can't you see all the wonderful qualities and abilities you have? You're wonderful honey. You're sweet, and caring and sensitive, loyal, intelligent. You're the strongest person I know. In my eyes, you're so amazing that you can look down at the sky" he told her never relenting his hold on her.  
"Oh, Harm...is..are..well..did you really mean all that?" she whispered  
"Of course I did, and I will make sure to show it every day from now on" he answered firmly.  
She softly kissed his chest and hugged him tighter. After a couple of minutes she started again,   
"Harm..."  
"Yes, baby?"  
"I was pregnant Harm. I had a little life inside and I let it die. The baby died because of me. It was my fault Harm. I should've known I was pregnant. I should've felt something..." she trailed off suddenly remembering all the heartache and pain that being in Harm's arms magically made disappear.   
She stood rapidly and walked towards the window. "How can you love me after all the horrible things I did? You know most of my past problems by now, but this you didn't know. Harm.... I...I understand if you want to leave. I know you want a family, and you deserve a great family Harm, and kids, and a loving wife that can be a good enough woman to take care of you and your children. Not someone like me..." she stopped as the tears made it impossible for her to continue, and she started sobbing uncontrollably falling on her knees on the floor.  
Instantly, Harm was at her side, and scooped her up in his arms and held her. She tried to fight him at first, but the pain was unbearable and she knew she needed him.   
"Sarah, I know I've already told you this, but I'll repeat it again and again until you believe me. I love you, and NOTHING, ever will change that. Nothing you could ever do could make me love you any less. I know it's hard for you to believe that I love you right now. That's why I'm going to show you ok?"  
She just nodded not being able to speak. He waited a few minutes until she got her tears under control and continued. He looked down at her and brought her face up with the tip of his finger under her chin.   
"Sara, honey. I love you. I love the way you smile. The way you look when you argue with me. I love the way you stand up for your beliefs and fight for what's right. I love your loyalty, your sense of humor. Your laughter is the most wonderful sound I've ever heard. The power you have over me is almost unthinkable. I don't know what I'd do without you. If you really love me as much I know you do, then you can't leave me. There's no one else in this whole world that could make me happier than I am when I'm with you. We all have faults, baby. I have mine and you know them as well as I do. But faults and all, you're the last thing I think of when I close my eyes at night, and the first in my head when I wake up. Please, Sarah...I'll beg if you want to, but please don't take the best part of me away. You're my better half. I know it because I feel it, and I know you feel it too..."   
"Harm...I need you to look at something" she said, trying hard not to show the effect his words were having on her. He had to know everything, before she could completely let go with him.  
"Sure, what is it Sarah?" he asked  
"You see that thing under the seat right there" pointing to the chair in the living room.  
"Aha...what about it?"  
She stood up and walked over. She retrieved the white shoebox from under the chair and stared at it for a while before looking up at him. He was a little confused at first, but when he saw the look in her eyes he knew that it was important.  
"Come sit next to me Harm.." she said looking at him  
Harm walked over to the couch and sat next to her, slightly nervous and a little afraid of what he might find inside.  
After placing the shoebox in his lap, he told me to open it. Slowly, he took off the lid and placed it next to him on the couch. What he saw inside he never imagined. He started taking the items out one by one after looking over at her and receiving a reassuring look.   
First, he saw an envelope. He took it in his hands and opened it. Inside the envelope he found the medical proof of her pregnancy and her miscarriage. He started reading. The report stated the cause of the miscarriage was excessive alcohol intake and physical strain. At this he looked up at her, and recognizing the question in his eyes she started to explain.  
"I saw my father the night before I went to the doctor. He found out where I was and came to take me back home. Of course, I said no, and he well... he didn't take it well, he did what he wanted and left. That night I decided that my father would never lay his hands on me again. I spent the rest of the night recovering from the beating, and figuring out how I was going to get out of there. I feel asleep for a while, and when I woke up the next day I was bleeding and in a lot of pain. You know the rest.." she finished, happy to get that part over with.   
"I'm so sorry..." was the only thing he could think of as he drew her back to the comfort of his embrace and kissed her forehead softly.  
"Please, Harm. Go on. I just need to do this so I can put it behind me" she said softly.  
Understanding where she was coming from, he reached for the box again and looked inside. There were pieces of clothing in there: a pair of tiny boots, a pink little sweater, and a beautiful tiny hat to go with the sweater. All of it, he noticed, was knitted.   
"I made these. I learned how to knit from a TV show. I was good at it. After I found out about my miscarriage I couldn't believe it. I guess I was in shock, so I kept doing things as if I were still pregnant. Maybe I thought if I believed it, my baby would still be inside me alive" she had to stop as the tears and sobs inhibited completely her ability to talk.   
Harm was shocked. So many things made sense now. The way she was with Chloe. The reason why, every year since he met her, March always seemed to be a bad month for her. The baby promise after AJ's birth. Now he understood why she had been so serious. Not that he was joking at the moment. He wanted very much to have a baby with her, but he could sense that there was something more on her part, and now he knew what it was. My God, how horrible it must have been for her to go trough that alone. He couldn't erase the past for her, and that made him feel so helpless that it hurt.  
"So, this is the reason you were so upset about Eric"  
"Yes.. his visit made me remember things I thought I had a handle on. I thought that by storing away the memories I could make it all go away. But I couldn't. Every year it got worse, and now he chose the exact 15-year mark to make his appearance"  
"But he's taken care of now. He won't hurt you anymore. I won't let him, and that's a promise" he said firmly.  
"I love you so much, Harm. I don't know what I'd do without you" she answered with tears in her eyes as she reached for him once again and he wrapped his protective arms around her without hesitation.  
"Well, you'll never have to find out, because I'm never leaving you again. Never" he finished.   
He could tell she was dead on her feet and she tried unsuccessfully to keep back a yawn.   
"Well, I guess that's my clue to get out of here so you can rest" he said this a little hesitant, hoping she asked him to stay, because he sure as hell didn't want to leave her alone. He tried to get up, but she held him back putting her trembling hand around his waist tighter than before. Harm smiled to himself and kissed her hair almost reverently.  
"I won't go if you don't want me to.." he said  
"I don't want you to go Harm. Would you please stay with me tonight? I just want you to hold me. Please?"  
"Oh, honey, you don't even have to ask. Remember I told you, I'll do anything you want" he said.  
Sensing an opportunity to lighten the mood a little "Anything, hu? I think I should remember that for future reference.." she said, a little smile gracing her features and he looked down at her and smiled as well.   
They retired to the bedroom. He took her in his arms and pressed her back to his chest, resting his face in the crook of her neck. A feeling of happiness came upon him like he had never felt before. It was even better than being 40,000 feet up in a Tomcat. He knew he could never let her go, and he wouldn't. With thoughts of their future together, they both fell asleep with smiles on their faces.  
TWO MONTHS LATER  
JAG HQ  
  
The past two months had been the best of their lives. They spent as much time together as they could manage. People at the office didn't exactly know what was going on, but they had a pretty good idea. They hadn't seen them this happy since their early days as partners when they were best friends. There was something different this time though. They weren't just best friends, and it was noticeable, very noticeable. However, the Admiral had said nothing. They had come to him and told him that they were seeing each other socially, and he told them he was ok with it as long as it didn't affect their performance at work. He was happy he had made that decision, since the office was peaceful for the first time in 2 years, without the Rabb-Mackenzie heated arguments.  
  
Harm and Mac had been talking to each other a lot. Each of them knew what they wanted, and neither of them was getting any younger. They had gone up to Bellville to spend a weekend with Grams two weeks before, and Mac and her had gotten along wonderfully, which Harm was especially thankful for. That was all he needed to make his decision. As soon as they returned from Belleville he had called her mother. The ring that had been in the family for two generations was now in his hands after he had it fitted and rearranged slightly for his Sarah. The ring now had two additional diamonds, one at each side of the center one. He knocked on her door thinking of everything he had planned for her.  
  
"Enter" Mac's voice carried over  
  
Harm stuck his head in. "Hey Marine, you busy?"  
  
She noticed he was just standing there with only his head inside her office. "Harm, what are you still doing at the door? You better get in here, and that's an order" she said in her best Marine voice, but with a wide smile on her face.  
  
"Well, you never know what a Marine could be doing alone in her office, so I figured I wouldn't take my chances, you know? Self-preservation and all that...." He said with a shrug and a smile.  
  
"Very funny, flyboy" she answered with a smile  
  
"Well, I just wanted to inform you that today is Friday, and we are going out to dinner tonight. However, it's not just a dinner. So, I want you dressed up and ready by 1830, and I'll pick you up. Understood Colonel?"  
  
She had to laugh at his tone of voice and his attempt to make it sound like an order. She knew she could get him to do whatever she wanted, but for now she decided to play along with it.   
"Understood, Commander" she said as she stood up from her desk, and walked over in front of him and stood at attention. He was inches away from him.   
  
"Oh, cut it out" he said rapidly as his lips descended over hers in a passionate but gentle kiss that left them both wanting more.  
  
After they parted he spoke up. "Well, I have some things to do today before we leave, so I'll see you tonight, alright honey?" he said as he caressed her face.  
  
"Yeah, I'll see you tonight. I have to go to Norfolk in a half hour with Bud. I'll go to my apartment straight from there" she answered.   
  
"Okay, then. I love you"  
  
"I love you too" and with a quick gentle kiss he turned and left her office.   
  
Next stop: the Admiral.   
  
"The Admiral is expecting you Commander, go right in"  
  
"Thank you, Tiner" Harm said as he made his way to the Admiral's office  
  
Harm stood at attention in front of the Admiral's desk.  
  
"At ease, Commander. Now I understand you wanted to see me?"  
  
"Yes, Sir. I have something important to talk to you about"  
  
The Admiral tried to bite back a smile that formed in his lips when he heard the seriousness in his officer's voice. He knew where this was going. He had known for a while now, but he would let him suffer a bit.  
  
"Sit down, Harm"  
  
"Thank you, Sir"  
  
"Well, Sir. As you know the Colonel and I have been seeing each other socially for a while now" he said  
  
"For a while?" The Admiral asked as he raised one eyebrow  
  
"One month, three weeks and 5 days to be exact, Sir" Harm answered with a wide smile on his face  
  
The Admiral felt like laughing, so he did, to Harm's amusement.  
  
"I see you've picked up some things from Mac" he said and then continued at Harm's sheepish smile. "Harm, you two have a 5 year history, and believe me, even if you don't admit it, you've been 'seeing' each other since that first day at the Rose Garden" the Admiral said with a smile.  
  
"I guess you're right, Sir" he smiled sheepishly, but quickly straightened and the Admiral could tell he was very serious about what he was about to say.  
  
"Admiral, I'm asking the Colonel to marry me, tonight"  
  
"You want her to marry you tonight?!!" The Admiral said a little surprised  
Harm laughed lightly and corrected "No Admiral, I'm asking her tonight. If she says yes, then I guess we'll talk about dates and the rest of it later and we'll let you know"   
  
"Well, Commander, the only thing I can say is 'It's about damn time'" he said as he rose from his chair and congratulated his senior officer with a firm handshake.   
  
"Now, that doesn't mean I'm happy about losing one of my best officers. But I have a feeling it will be alright" the Admiral said with a hint of a smile.  
  
"Sir, I just wanted you to know that nothing is going to stop me from this. Mac and I have been through a lot and I've hurt her more times than I can remember because of my indecision and insecurities. I want to make her happy. This is all about her, and nothing will stand in the way of that. Nothing is more important to me now than my future with her, and I won't give her up for anything. Not flying, not the Navy" Harm finished with a conviction and firmness he would use during his final arguments in the courtroom.   
  
The Admiral smiled. "Are you done, Commander?"  
  
"Ah, yes Sir. Sorry, Sir, I just felt like I had to clarify my position on this"  
  
"And why would that be?"  
  
"Because I've messed up numerous times in the past and I don't want it to happen again"  
  
"Well said Commander. Now, what I meant before was that I already have a new position for you. There's an opening at the Pentagon. You would be transferred over there, but would still keep an office here at JAG, and would work with us whenever you can"  
  
"Admiral!! I don't know how to thank you, Sir. That's great. Well, I still have to ask Mac to marry, but it's nice to not have to worry about work anymore, Sir" he said smiling from ear to ear.  
  
"Don't worry, Commander. I've already started your paperwork"  
  
"Really, Sir? When?"  
  
"About 5 years ago" he said and smiled  
  
Harm had to laugh. He stood up and stood at attention. "Dismissed" AJ said and Harm left his office, full of thoughts about his night with his Sarah.  
  
  
MAC'S APARTMENT  
1820 EST  
  
Mac was nervous. Harm and her had been dating officially for about two months now. Her nightmares had gone away with him by her side, and she knew that he loved to be with her. She knew that he didn't want to rush into anything she wasn't ready for. Her mind wandered back to that night he had first told her how he felt about her. He had talked about wanting a life together. A wedding, a house and children, and God she wanted all of that. However, she couldn't help but feel a little insecure about the whole thing. Maybe he wanted them to take their relationship a step further, not that she didn't want to do that with him. 'Only God knows how hard it is to keep my hands off him' she thought and smiled at that. Well, that's probably what this night is about. She figured he wanted to have a serious discussion about where they were going. 'Come on, he's a man after all' she thought.   
  
"Coming" she yelled from her bedroom when she heard the knock on her door.  
She hurried over and opened the door for Harm.  
  
"Wow...you look amazing, Sarah" he said in obviously in awe.  
  
"Well, are you going to stand there all night and look at me or are you going to feed me?"  
  
"Well, don't want a hungry Marine on my hands now, do I?" he answered laughing softly.  
  
"No, you don't" she answered, reaching up and kissing him softly on the lips.  
When he recovered from her assault he spoke. "Well, let's go then, honey"  
  
They walked out of their apartment and into Harm's SUV. Minutes later, they arrived at his apartment. Harm had blindfolded her so that she wouldn't see where they were going.  
He got out of the car and went over to her side, opened the door and led her out and into the apartment. When they finally entered she already knew where she was. She could feel it, so she asked if she could take the blindfold off. 'Why would he bring me back here?' she thought. She guessed if they were going to have the conversation she was thinking about, then they would probably need the bedroom at some point.  
  
"Sarah, why don't you sit and I'll get everything ready"  
His words brought her back from her thoughts and she looked around the apartment in awe. There were red roses everywhere. With candlelight the only lighting, the apartment looked like a scene from a movie. In the middle of the apartment, there was a table for two, beautifully arranged. Harm walked over to her and took out the chair for her to sit in. She had never seen him look more handsome than he did that night. He was wearing his dress whites, just the way she liked him.   
Harm on his part, couldn't keep his eyes off of her. She was wearing a beautiful light blue dress that fit her perfectly, and accentuated her incredible body. 'How did I get so lucky' he thought. The perfect woman was right in front of him and he was just sitting there staring at her. She could tell he had been somewhere else, and smiled at him when his eyes focused on hers again. Breaking the magical spell, there was a knock on the door and she looked at him quizzically.  
  
"Come in" Harm raised his voice  
Two men came in carrying their food. They served them and made sure they had everything they needed. Harm looked over to her and saw the look on her face, which was all he needed to know he was doing the right thing.  
  
"You ordered catering?" she asked in a soft voice, unable to keep the surprise from her face  
  
"Only the best for you, Sarah" he answered looking deeply into her eyes, as he took both her hands together in his and kissed them softly.  
  
"Wow" was all she could say.  
  
Dinner went great, and they talked a little about everything. She knew that soon it would be time, and she was mentally getting ready for their conversation. When they were done eating, the caterers came back in and cleared everything. Only their drinks, candlelight and red roses were now occupying the table.   
  
"Sarah, honey. I want to talk to you about something important okay?" he said, unable to keep the excitement from his voice.  
  
"Harm..before you say anything, I want you to know that I'm okay with it. I'm ready. I know all the trouble you went through to make this perfect for me and I love you for it"  
  
Harm was shocked. How did she know? Had she heard him talk about any of it on the phone? How? He had been careful to make this a surprise.  
  
"You know?" he asked confused and surprised at the same time  
  
"Harm, is not that hard to figure out. Besides, I've been thinking the same thing myself"  
  
"You have?" Now this was getting strange, and he wasn't sure how to go about this now.   
  
"Of course! I am human you know" she answered smiling at him  
He smiled back, but was still confused. She noticed his hesitation and continued.  
  
"Harm? Are you sure about this?"  
  
"Well, of course I am. Not to mention everyone that knows about this has told me is the right thing to do. You know how much I value the opinions of my friends and family, especially Grams"  
  
Mac gasped at his words. She couldn't believe he had talked to his family about this. My God, how could she ever face them again?   
  
"What's wrong honey? Are you okay?"  
  
"Harm, I....uh..well..I didn't think you were that open about things with your family"  
  
"Well, not just with them. I also spoke to the Admiral to make sure everything was in order" He saw Mac blush furiously but decided to continue anyway. "Bud and Harriet don't know yet, but I guess I'll tell them after you give me your answer" he said and smiled like a little boy asking a favor.  
  
"Answer?" Now she was confused. What was he talking about?  
  
"Yes, of course. You have to say yes first. I mean, well, I hope you'll say yes, but, well, I don't want to put words in your mouth, and well.." he was babbling and she knew it. Somehow she couldn't believe he was talking about their love life. She was totally confused now and her face told Harm the same thing.  
Realization suddenly struck him and he smiled inwardly. She thought he was talking about taking the next step and being intimate with each other. 'Oh God, how do I explain this to her?' he thought. Poor Mac. She was blushing even more now and he couldn't keep the smile from his face at the sight.  
  
"Harm. Why are you babbling? I didn't think you'd have any problem with this situation. I mean, you have had girlfriends before and, well, you know, I didn't think that you'd be hesitant when it came to...well, you know..."  
  
"Who's babbling now?" he answered, earning a blush and a smile from her.  
  
He went over to her side and pulled her up to stand with him. He looked intently into her eyes, and noticed the effect he had on her when he felt her grasp his forearms, digging into them with her fingers.  
  
"Sarah, the reason I did all this tonight, and the reason I was babbling before is because this is very important, and my life depends on it"  
  
She got worried for a second. "What do you mean your life depends on it? Are you okay   
Harm? Are you in trouble? What is it?"  
  
He smiled at her, and continued.  
  
"Sarah, I'm fine. The reason my life depends on this is because I can't live without you, and I'm tired of pretending that I can" he said and when he saw her eyes widening he knew she was starting to understand.  
  
He knelt in front of her and continued. "Sarah, you're everything that I've ever wanted in my entire life. You're the one that gives my life meaning. I've never felt this way about anyone, ever. If I didn't have you in my life, I may be breathing, but I wouldn't be alive. I want it all with you, Sarah. I want the house, the children, the baseball practices and the lazy Sundays at home. I want you to see the emotion on my face when people call you Mrs. Rabb. I want you to know every day how happy you make me. I want to be yours forever, and I want you to be mine. I want to give you everything you deserve. I promise from now on I'll show you everyday what I've felt for you all along. Sarah Catherine Mackenzie, I love you and I want to grow old with you. Would you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?"  
She was beaming by the time he was finished, and tears were running down her cheeks freely.   
  
"Oh, Harm...I love you, so much. Yes, yes, yes...Of course I'll marry you" she answered.   
He reached under the table and pulled out a shoebox, identical to the one she had showed him months earlier. She looked at him puzzled and he motioned for her to open it. She gasped and looked inside it in wonder. There were pictures of him in one side, and in the other half there were pictures of her. In the middle of the box, there was the most beautiful ring she'd ever seen sitting on top of a picture of them together. The symbolism was almost too much for her to bear, and tears made their way down her face. He took her left had in his and slid the ring in her finger. He stood and took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. The kiss grew deeper and when they came up for air, he motioned her over to the couch and they sat down.  
He looked at the shoebox that was still over at the table. "Sarah, I gave you the ring in the shoebox because I want to rewrite the memories you have. I want us to make new ones, together" he told her.  
  
"Harm, I'm sorry" she said looking away from him  
He felt a knot in his stomach at her words, but went on anyway. "What for?" he asked taking her hand in his and turning to look at her face.  
  
" I'm sorry I thought this was about something else. I thought you were only doing this because you were tired of waiting and wanted us make love" she said, her tears rolling down her cheek.  
  
He smiled at her and all her blushing and gasping at their conversation before made sense now.   
  
"Oh, sweetheart. You have nothing to apologize for. Now, I don't want you to believe I don't want to be with you that way, because God knows how hard it is to keep my hands off you" he said and was rewarded with a smile from her. He continued before she could say anything.  
  
"But, what I want for US is more important now. I want us to have a great life, Sarah. I want everything you want, but I want it done the best way possible. You deserve perfection, and that's what I have planned for you. I'd have no problem with making you mine right here and now. But, believe it or not, I've always dreamed of making love to you, and in my dreams, we've always made love on our wedding night. I want our first time together to be completely special. I want to love you, and cherish you, and idolize you. I want to go with you to a place we've never been before, and I don't want to leave ever again. I know how men have treated you before. I know you think that being with someone intimately is just part of the deal, and I know that's why you made the assumptions you made about tonight, and I'm not mad or hurt by it. When I give myself to you I want you to have all of me. Not just me physically. I want you to have my heart, my soul and my life in your hands. I don't want any half-truths or hidden feelings between you and me ever again. What better way of giving you all that than promising my love to you before God and the whole world on our wedding day?" he smiled at her and if there was any part of her heart that didn't adore him by now, that was the moment it changed forever.   
  
She was crying and she couldn't stop herself, but they were tears of joy. This man in front of her loved her so much that he was willing to make everything perfect for her, even if it cost him his sanity. She thought before tonight that she couldn't love him more than she already did. Well, she was wrong. This was too much. It was too much happiness all once. She collapsed into his arms, and he held her tightly against him. After a few minutes she calmed down enough to speak.  
  
"Harm..."  
  
"Yes, baby?"  
  
"Harm, I love you, so much. I want a perfect life with you too. I just never thought that having something perfect would feel like this. Now I know what being truly happy feels like and I also know what if feels like to truly love someone. I'll be yours, Harm. For the rest of my life, I promise you. I'll give you all of me on our wedding night, and I can't wait to start our perfect life together" she was looking at him directly by the time she was finished, and all she could see in his eyes was love and devotion.   
He bent down and kissed her lovingly and caressed her face like he would a porcelain doll. They held each other for a while. He noticed her admiring the ring on her hand several times, but said nothing, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. Later on, they lay together in the couch, her head on his chest. She felt him chuckle softly and raised her head to look at him.   
  
"What's so funny flyboy?"  
  
"Did you really think I would talk to someone else about being intimate with you?" he asked laughing slightly  
She looked at him and laughed as well. He continued  
  
"I mean, my mom and Grams I would understand, but the Admiral????" he said and couldn't stop himself from laughing.   
They both laughed heartily for a good ten minutes before they sobered up. He told her then about the plans to transfer to the Pentagon, and she was as excited as he was that they would still work together from time to time.   
  
"I love you Harm" she said as she kissed him softly on the lips  
  
"I love you too, Sarah" he whispered against her lips before kissing her again  
  
Life was good. No, life was definitely perfect. They had a future together, but for the time being, she had a wedding to plan.  
  
  
  
THE END!!!!! I might write a sequel with the wedding and all that. I'd like to see   
what I can come up with for their wedding night!!!!...:) .... Anyway... If you like the story and want to let me know, feedback is always welcome and appreciated. 


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